Saturday, January 17, 2009

Pockypine Flashback

Long story short: Ivan and I made this fantastic cake when she was home in June.


It was delicious, but the thing about cakes with eyes on them is that they look at you while you're carving them up, which is unsettling.


Credit for this genius idea goes to Anna Dilemna, who invented and named the Pockypine cake. You can find her blog post about the original version here. We couldn't find a football cake tin, so ours ended up being 3D.

A good argument for not waiting six months to post something is that you wouldn't forget all the great jokes you made at the time. The only thing I remember is asking Ivan whether she preferred flank or rump, but I assure you that during the course of baking this cake we said a lot of things we never thought we'd have an occasion to say. Next time maybe we'll try an alpaca-shaped cake and I will record the entire thing so as to properly report on it because you know nothing is real unless you blog about it later.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Cold

Things that freeze instantly when it is one degree outside:

1. Wet hair
2. Windshield washer fluid
3. Brain matter (this just in: skull not effective insulator)

Friday, December 26, 2008

An Alpaca Miracle

The moment I pulled this wee thing out of my Christmas stocking, I began to have very promising ideas about Social Security.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Annual Santa Parade/Blizzard Post

I'm sure the post that resulted from last year's Santa Parade was so memorable that I don't need to explain what it is again. Fire trucks. Christmas lights. Etc., etc. This time I will just add that this year it SEEMED like it was warm enough to watch the parade outside rather than from my apartment, but in fact it was NOT warm enough. Note to self: twenty-four degrees and falling, even with no wind, is too cold to spend an hour outside in unless you are wearing a snowsuit and also doing a triathalon. Which we were not doing. We were standing still and shivering. I thought my toes were in actual danger of frostbite. To sum up: it was cold. And it was also very dark, so my pictures are terrible.

First terrible picture:That is a house on the back of the truck. The house had smoke coming out of it. On the other side it says, "Decorate with care, candles cause flare." So it was an educational as well as festive parade.

This is self-explanatory, I hope. Fire trucks. Christmas lights. Etc., etc.

This made me giggle at the time. Now I think, either they're giving this little guy a place in the parade because he's so cute, or they really hate him and are taking this opportunity to drag him around in the street like Hector's body behind Achilles's chariot. (Ivan thinks I have a strange preccopation with death. I'm not sure where she's getting that.) Anyway, he's so cheerful, I don't think he cares either way. Rock on, teddy bear. Rock on.

The highlight of the parade (not pictured here; I have no caption for this one) was when one of the firefighters sitting on top of a truck knocked her head on a low-hanging electrical wire. No, she did not get electrocuted or in any way injured. That wouldn't have been funny. Although you know what Mel Brooks says. "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die." (Otto told me that one, so this is his preoccupation with death coming through, not mine.) The point of the story is that this brief episode distracted me from my numb toes for ten seconds and I was very grateful.

The rest of my pictures look like this: so let's just move right along to the blizzard.

Hello, zero visibility! Although the plows were going through town constantly, I did not see the pavement again for eight hours. It was rather remarkable.

There is some kind of village-wide contest in which businesses compete to have the best window displays. In my opinion, m.electables is the only one worth mentioning. Although the others tried, they have the disadvantage of being law firms and real estate offices, whereas m.electables sells pretty things and tasty treats. Hmm, cookies or lawyers. I can't decide which is more festive.

Christmas card!

My goodness, where is the village hall? I can barely see it, but damn if I can't hear it ALL THE TIME. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that if I am ever striken blind while walking home from the post office, I'll be able to navigate by the sound of Amy Grant singing "My Grown Up Christmas List." Throw in a Republican and this situation is also known as Simon's Personal Hell.

At some point today I was bringing some laundry downstairs and this is the sight I found at the bottom of the flight: Indeed, that is snow piled four feet high outside my front door. I immediately started mentally calculating how long I could survive with the food I have in the house and concluded that within two days I would be living on marshmallows and cashews. Not, overall, an unpleasant diet, but I will definitely be going shopping tomorrow. It turned out that there is room to open the door, after all. And I always have that escape ladder for fires. Who knew I might also need it for the polar opposite of a fire? Haha, polar, get it?

And with that, I end this post. Here it is, your moment of zen.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Three conversations from the past 24 hours that I did not anticipate turning out so weird.

Frazzled Borders Employee: Can I help you?
Me: Yes, I'm looking for a book by Michael Largo, called Genius and Heroin.
Puzzled Borders Employee: Cheese and Heroin?
Me: GENIUS... and Heroin. It's supposed to be in the Family section, but I don't see a Family section.
Disturbed Borders Employee: It is not in Family. It's in Death & Dying.

Postal worker: Anything fragile, liquid, or perishable?
Me: Well, there's a kind of a bouncy ball that's got liquid inside it. It's not water, but I don't know what it is, maybe glycerine or something.
Postal worker: waits for me to figure out what on earth I'm talking about
Me: There's glitter in it.
Postal worker: Oh, it's a glitterball.
Me: Yes!

Dermatologist: Say goodbye to your mole.
Me: Good riddance, mole.
Dermatolist: Wish it well.
Me: Farewell, mole.
Dermatologist: Have a nice life, mole.
...
Me: Well, this has been fun.
Dermatologist: Yes, I enjoyed it.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Strive for Five

Aunt Sara: How was your pie?
Ivan: lovely, thank you.
Aunt Sara: So you're sure everything tasted... like pie?
Ivan: fairly certain...
Aunt Sara: Oh wonderful! I put about seven shakes of Celery Seed in before I realized it wasn't Nutmeg. Can I wrap some up for you to take home?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Alpaca!

I don't believe an alpaca ever requires an explanation or justification, but I will just say that this captivating camelid turned up at the annual town festival in June, and no less than three people mocked me for being EXTREMELY EXCITED about it. Before that day I thought alpacas were possibly some kind of sheep, which was an idea I picked up during Debbie Fiderer's job interview with President Bartlet:

BARTLET
I saw your resume, so we don't need to talk about that. What have you been doing recently?

FIDERER
I'm an alpaca farmer.

BARTLET
Like the sweaters?

FIDERER
Before they're sweaters.

BARTLET
Uh-huh.

After the sweaters part, I was picturing some kind of weird sheep. But they're not some kind of weird sheep, they're some kind of weird camel. Or maybe some kind of weird llama. Or just some-kind-of-weird, full stop. Particularly when they're freshly shorn. Example:


Is it me, or does he kind of look like he's wearing PANTALOONS?

You might think, as I did, that a more amusing animal couldn't exist. But wait! There's more!


This hairstyle seems familiar, does it not? But where have you seen it before? Let us look more closely.


Yes, that's right. But for the eyeliner, this alpaca could double as Prince.


I have to say I never thought I would (a) spend as long as I just did looking at pictures of Prince, or (b) find a reason to mention Prince in this blog. But moving on. Alpacas not only have great hair but make very entertaining noises, and because they have side vision, if you talk to them, they turn their heads to the side and look at you intently with one eye, as if to say, I see that you are laughing at my elegant coiffure, and I am rising above it.

Alpacas have good tempers and don't spit, although if they did I guarantee you I'd find it funny and charming. Alpaca fiber is very soft and practically hypoallergenic. For normal people that just means it won't give you hives, but I take it as a sign that they evolved primarily for the purpose of being hugged. I believe alpacas could be an improving element in any home, office, party, or lifestyle. I would never be cranky if I had an alpaca. I would probably take up running again. And I would remember to take vitamins -- if I even needed them once I got an alpaca. No doubt the sun would shine more, and little forest animals would help us do our hair every morning, and someone would figure out how to save Social Security. Incidentally, I believe the same exact thing of capybaras. If everyone had a capybara, the world would be a better place. If everyone had a capybara AND an alpaca, it would be like paradise on earth. Or, possibly I was just meant to live in South America. Or a zoo. Or an asylum of some kind. Wherever, as long as there are alpacas.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

there are no stupid questions

Setting out for a hike in a relentless northern California rain, a ranger pulls up:
Ranger: Going for a hike?
I: yup!
Ranger: You got your rain gear?
co-spelunker: yup!
Ranger: But did you leave your brains at home?

12 miles later we pondered the same question as we hitchhiked back to our car...

Saturday, November 08, 2008

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I ran across an article on the BBC website yesterday about the top ten most annoying things people say, and one of them was the use of the word "literally" when the person using it is not speaking literally at all. This conversation I heard recently came to mind as a perfect example and I am sharing it with you first of all as a cautionary tale and secondly because it still makes me laugh.

A: This depiction of reporters isn't actually realistic. I was a reporter for many years. For the most part, they're not that rabid.
B: But wasn't there ever a story you literally would have killed for?
A: No, I never would have killed someone for a story.
B: But literally, you wouldn't have killed for a story?
A: . . . No.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Abandoned Subway

About three weeks ago, I went with a couple of friends to see Rochester’s abandoned subway. This is a story I believe can be told almost entirely through disclaimers, so here is the first one:

Disclaimer: We were not trespassing. This was a tour given by the Canal Society of New York State, as part of Rochester’s River Romance festival. It’s still not clear to me how a dark, dusty underground cavern that smells strongly of urine in some places is romantic. Not surprisingly, at no point did any of my fellow tourists propose to any other tourists. For one thing, you do not want to get down on one knee in that dirt. You might as well roll in kitty litter. For another, they were probably waiting for the cemetary tour later in the weekend. Because you want to start a new life with the person you love in a place where corpses are decaying beneath your feet. That’s what we call romance in Rochester.

We started at the South Ave entrance, right next to Dinosaur Bar-B-Que. In the picture below, left to right: Minas Morgul (eye of Sauron out of order), the First Federal Building with the funny hat which apparently used to rotate, and the red brick Dinosaur building. And below that, a portal to what the River Romance guide calls “Rochester’s historic underbelly.” I have never heard of an “historic underbelly,” but I have heard of a “seedy underbelly” and I can only assume that’s what they meant.


Disclaimer: The abandoned subway is not safe and nobody should go down there even though I and two hundred other people did. The Canal Society of New York would like to turn the subway back into a canal, or something, it’s hard to picture exactly, and therefore opposes the city’s plan to fill it in. That’s why they hold these occasional tours. The city, however, makes the rather compelling argument that the tunnel is not structurally sound. So I repeat: people really should not go down there even though it is totally cool.

This was the last tour, and we just barely caught it. I didn’t actually see or hear the tour guide until the very end, because he was way ahead of us. Therefore, when I took this picture of hordes of people marching trustingly into pitch blackness, I could not be totally certain that the Pied Piper was not at the front of the line.


It’s tempting to make a lot of jokes about Moria. Like, if only I had Gandalf's magical 120-watt staff, I wouldn’t have had to use the flash on my camera and therefore catch all of the dust in the air.

Up these stairs, that’s where the orcs live.
Pretty sure they live here, too.
Oh, and definitely here.
I have no idea what this was for, but the fact that it has windows suggests how extremely different it must have once been down there. The way it is now, those windows would hardly let in any light at all, and even if they did, it isn’t as if there’s a view.

Little House in the Subway

Some parts of the subway were curiously pretty:




But those were the parts with sunlight. Once the tunnel goes underground, it becomes less pretty, and exponentially more menacing. We hadn’t realized they were going to let us roam free (I thought that would be asking for a lawsuit), and didn’t bring a flashlight. It started to look like this:


Here are the smart people with flashlights:



Here's one of the random pictures I took because I was using my flash to tell me what was in front of me:

I might die here, but at least Jesus loves me.

At a certain point, the absolute pitch blackness was too overwhelming, and we turned around. Moria jokes aside, it really was very much like being in a mine. Fascinating, and at the same time horrible and suffocating. In short, I’m glad we did it and gladder we came out alive.

The real value of the subway now, in my opinion, is the atmospheric combination of art and decay. It’s like a huge museum, but if the city of Rochester were to make it safe enough and palatable enough to be opened to the public, the effect would be completely ruined. For it to mean anything, it has to remain ungoverned, heading toward destruction. As Wallace Stevens says, Death is the mother of beauty.

Disclaimer: I have not scrutinized the graffiti in these photos. Even if I had, I would not have been able to figure out what most of it means. But I’m guessing much of it could be taken as offensive. Especially if you like grape Now and Laters. (Any opinions of grape Now and Laters expressed by graffiti artists are not necessarily those of the proprieters of this blog.)

In chronological order:

“Specialized To Vandalize”

Possibly Animatronic Thing In Blue

Possibly Organic Thing In Blue

Fishing

There’s something really ominous about that shovel.

Angry and Antennaed From Here To Oblivion

Few People are Familiar with Jackson Pollock's Brief "Badass" Period

See Above Disclaimer

I do not really know what this is...

...but I think it might be scary.

No comment.

Pretty colors.

Insert Final Insipid Caption Here.
I think uploading those pictures took more time than I spent in the tunnel. But there's one more. Upon emerging once again into sunlight and fresh air, this cement thing with weeds in it (garbage too, but I managed not to show it) struck me as beautifully natural. Happily, it is hiding the very bad words in the graffiti behind it.


Seriously kids, don't go down there.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

when life gives you lemons...

I: ugh, the hairdresser gave me BANGS. I don't know what to do with myself.
C: well, you could be sexy Sarah Palin for Halloween...

time to buy some barrettes.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Internet

I have had the internet for about half an hour. Already I have:

1. Checked my e-mail eight times.
2. Discussed Latin, Chaucer, Heath Ledger, and brush fires with Ivan.
3. Read dooce.com.
4. Watched a useless YouTube video.
5. Gotten unreasonably annoyed by the comments on the useless YouTube video.
6. Written a pointless blog post.

It's so good to be back!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

KILLER TREE

After meeting a live python in Marcella's living room, I didn't think I would be so sufficiently creeped out for quite awhile. Not much can rival a snake amidst your DVDs and comfy couches. And operating under this assumption I traveled to Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Park last weekend. A lovely place. Sequoia is full of non-threatening things like Very Large Trees and bears that mosey. I thought the most threatening thing about Sequoia was the campfire we started using some flame retardant cardboard that glowed green and smoked in a violent way... honestly, doesn't hold a candle to the python. But that was just day one...

Day two of the trip was spent in Kings Canyon-- an amazing place. Gorgeous views, scenic byways, killer trees, giant cave spiders, Sequoia cemeteries. Typical national park experience.

The day was beautiful and we decided to find a lunch spot... and for some reason picked a sad tree graveyard. I thought all the damage had been done by loggers, but then we passed this tree. Apparently the logging industry had NOTHING to do with the death of those giants-- it was all this guy. Asshole.

We left Killer Tree Grove before the Ents came to life and decided to see one of the lovely area caves. I read about the cave as we drove "wow, they've discovered new species of troglobites and pseudoscorpians in here!" To me this means nothing. The last movie I saw where someone explored a cave ended up in Fraggle Rock and I saw no reason this should end differently.

The cave tour was an hour long and looked boring, so the helpful cave ticket seller stuck out her tongue ring and suggested we take our headlamps across the street to the unofficial cavern. In retrospect, I see this as equal to the time the man running the ski lift told us if we didn't want to pay, we were welcome to walk up the mountain underneath the lift for free. Two hours later knee deep in loose shale, you start to realize you've been had. We shimmied into the cave and popped out into a shallow cavern. Cool! I'm spelunking! And then I swung my light around to look at my cave companion and realized we were not alone! Aside from the human, I was joined by a hoard of EXTREMELY large cave spiders. My Co-Spelunker will tell you they were not that intimidating, but honestly, HOLY FREAKING SHIT, CAVE SPIDERS. Yes. They looked like that. And I live in constant terror that not unlike the movie arachnophobia, I brought one home and it's currently nesting inside the cat. So I saw the giant cave spiders and I booked it out of that cave. In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that my co-spelunker had a broken leg and I left the poor man in there without even thinking. I am a horrible, horrible person that had absolutely no desire to die at the eight evil legs of one of those bastards. In defense of my co-spelunker: after dragging himself from the cave, he still gave me a ride home.

Thank goodness for the good souls.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Not Taking This Seriously Anymore

Today's advice from my Worst-Case Scenario desk calendar: How to Foil a UFO Abduction

I find the assumptions they make about aliens to be interesting. First of all, why would an "extraterrestrial biological entity" necessarily want to abduct you? Why is abduction at the root of all human fear concerning aliens? It seems more likely to me that they'd come here to dump their garbage. And depending on how much they brought, we might WANT to go back with them.

Secondly, just because it's an alien doesn't mean it's psychic, so controlling your thoughts when faced with one may be a waste of energy. Anyway, I think it's a lot to ask of a person who has just been confronted with an alien simply to not freak out, much less control their thoughts. Similarly, I don't see why picturing yourself enveloped in a shield of white light is going to be remotely useful either, unless these aliens are as lame as you are and think white light equals safety.

As for the advice that you should "firmly tell the EBE to leave you alone"? You might as well scream STRANGER DANGER! at it. It's probably not going to speak English. Nor is there any reason to believe that body language is intergalactically universal.

As for their last resort -- "go for the EBE's eyes because you won't know what its other more sensitive areas are" -- I just want to point out that the alien pictured on this page looks exactly like a short, skinny human wearing a classic big-eyed alien mask. This leads me to believe that instead of going for its eyes, you should tackle it and threaten to tell Mom, because chances are good it's just your little brother.

(Incidentally, it turns out I owe myself ten dollars. See Previous Worst Case Scenario Post)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Pursuivant!

My new favorite word is "pursuivant". It is pronounced "per-sweeve-ant" by Rowan Atkinson in an episode of Black Adder entitled "The Witchsmeller Pursuivant"-- an episode that in no way clarifies what pursuivant means, but still makes me want to say "pursuivant!" all the time. Wikipedia seems to think it's some sort of an arms master, but I really don't care.

In light of this new! fabulous! multi-purpose! word (yes, I have decided it's multi-purpose -- "that's so pursuivant!" "he's so pursuivant!" "this is the most wretchedly pursuivant day I have ever experienced." --like hoopy-frood but with the versatility of a swear word) I present to you my latest craft project:

The Pursuivan-T

I couldn't take a decent picture while I was wearing it, but I promise you, it looks totally pursuivant.