Tuesday, March 17, 2009

St. Patrick's Day Part Two: The Irishman's Lunch


Guinness with . . . Guinness bread.

"What?" you say. "I thought Guinness was basically bread." Not so, my friend. There is also such a thing as Guinness bread. And I can only assume that the Irish frequently consume meals made entirely of Guinness and Guinness products, as this is what I have been lead to believe. NPR this morning said that even in times of economic hardship, the Irish will sell their cars and give up foreign vacations before cutting down on time spent at the pub. So there you have it. This is an authentic Irish meal.

Main ingredients:

Also milk, also butter. But those don't have pretty packaging.

Observations:
Molasses is creepy. You all remember the episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, when Tasha gets eaten by the black goo monster? (Ivan says it is also called tar.) Well, molasses reminds me of that stuff.

It barely reflects light. Do not trust things that do not reflect light.

Tips:
Buying Guinness on St. Patrick's Day is for some reason vaguely embarrassing. Buy your Guinness several weeks beforehand. Or ask me for some. I have five bottles left and will probably still have five left by next March.

Also:
This bread weighs about five pounds. Good for eating, also good for deterring intruders. I have not yet tasted it because it's too hot, but I'll report back. Ivan is very impatient to know what I am cooking and is probably mildly concerned now that I've asked her about Tasha's death-by-tar while cooking.

Educational link:
Courtesy of Ivan: Armus, the molasses monster.

Bonus Feature:
A terrible St. Patrick's day joke: What is green and sits out on the lawn?

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Paddy O'Furniture

You're welcome.

Monday, March 16, 2009

St. Patrick’s Day Part One: Please Love Beckett As Much As I Do!

When I was a sophomore in college, I had some kind of weird job that involved reading biographies of writers and summarizing them. This job was given to me by a professor who came to be known as Mr. Rochester, and whose real name I can no longer remember. Nor do I remember why Megan and I called him Mr. Rochester, except possibly because he had a kind of nefariously harmless quality, which is an odd combination for an English professor. He had an empty bottle (maybe two) of absinthe in his office, and frequently seemed to not really know what was going on, which is why despite repeated attempts to ascertain what precisely the point of my job was, I never succeeded, and spent a year getting paid for being of zero use to the college. It was the best job I ever had. I now have an amazing number of inside jokes with myself concerning Samuel Beckett and W. H. Auden (oh, wait til I do my Auden post! It’s going to be great!)

I bring up Beckett because it is St. Patrick’s Day, and therefore a good time to talk about your favorite dead Irish writers. Mine is Beckett by default, because I saw Waiting for Godot before I read Araby. Sucks to your asthmar, Joyce! Too slow!

Beckett, should you not recall, was "an Irish writer, dramatist and poet. Beckett's work offers a bleak outlook on human culture and both formally and philosophically became increasingly minimalist."

Samuel Beckett, bleak minimalist.

But Wikipedia is so... pedantic. I would have said he was a moody genius with a dark sense of humor and rather engaging hair. He is the one who said the following more or less famous things:
• “Where I am, I don’t know, I'll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.” (The Unnamable)
• “We are all born mad. Some remain so.” (Waiting for Godot)
• “Here form is content, content is form.” (about Finnegans Wake)
• “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” (Worstward Ho)
• “If by Godot I had meant God I would have said God, and not Godot.” (about Waiting for Godot)

For your edification I have here included the highlights of my notes on Beckett’s life. This is a brief overview, and I warn you, it is mostly not funny:

Beckett was born on either April 13, May 13, or June 14, 1906. It is not clear, nor is it clear why it isn't clearer.

His father was all right, but his mother “was a severe and aloof insomniac who removed the carpets in the house so that she could walk at night in bare feet” which you cannot deny is creepy. She was a plague on poor Beckett until she died.

On Beckett’s Relationship with James Joyce: “Beckett’s relationship with Joyce ran into problems when Joyce’s daughter, Lucia, decided that she wanted to marry Beckett. Beckett’s interest in her was limited to his fascination with watching her go insane, which she did.” He later corresponded with her and helped to pay for her treatment.

Beckett’s Relationship with the Yeatses: Beckett was friends with Jack Yeats, the painter, and knew his brother, too. “To be noted: Beckett did not like W.B. Yeats personally, although he did apparently enjoy ‘Sailing to Byzantium’.” I myself find Yeats to be kind of batty, but I like that poem, too.

Beckett’s Relationship with Ireland: Beckett spent most of his adult life in France; several of his works were originally written in French. When in Ireland (where his mother lived) he was typically reduced to this: he took to his bed “permanently, lying rigidly in the fetal position facing the wall. He lowered the blinds and spent his days in darkness with the blankets pulled over his head. Nothing and no one could get him to move.” This is the part I remember most vividly, and also where I learned the word “psychosomatic,” which is a very good and useful word!

Beckett’s Street Smarts: In 1938 or so, Beckett was randomly stabbed in the street. The French government forced him to press charges, and the assailant was sent to prison for two months. Beckett said of this, “There is no more popular prisoner in the Santé. His mail is enormous. His poules shower gifts upon him. Next time he stabs someone they will promote him to the Legion of Honor. My presence in Paris has not been altogether fruitless.” Curiously, I remember this as one of the most cheerful parts of his life story. Beckett enjoyed the attention, and Joyce paid for a private hospital room.

Beckett and the French Resistance: “Here is a dramatic story about Suzanne [Beckett’s main squeeze, for lack of a better term] saving Gloria, their resistance group: Suzanne was to deliver information to a pair of sisters, but when she arrived at their apartment, they were surrounded by German soldiers. Suzanne told them she had come to tell the sisters that her husband had set their cat’s broken leg. The soldiers wanted to see the cat. Fortunately, Beckett and Suzanne did have a cat with a broken leg at their apartment, but they also had evidence of their resistance activities—most conspicuously the camera that Beckett sometimes left lying around. However, when she got there, not only was the camera gone, but on the table was a well-used copy of Mein Kampf, which Beckett had been making notes from. The soldiers were satisfied.” Also, Beckett once hid in a tree while soldiers patrolled the street below him. He received the Croix de Guerre for his resistance efforts and didn’t tell anyone.

Fun Fact about Waiting for Godot: “Incidentally, ‘Crritic!’ was one of Beckett’s favorite curses, and he liked it better than the French Ultimate Insult, ‘architecte,’ that was included in the original.” If you have not seen or read Waiting for Godot, you should take the next opportunity to do so, as it is remarkable. Oh look! Here is a link! You can read it now! Go ahead, I'll wait.

About his Novels: In 1950, a publisher named Lindon agreed to publish Molloy, Malone Dies, and The Unnamable. After visiting him in London, Beckett returned to France upset because, in the words of the biographer, “Lindon was such a nice young man that he (Beckett) was sorry to be the instrument of his bankruptcy.”

Beckett and the Nobel Prize: “On October 23, 1969 Suzanne answered the phone and was told that Beckett had been awarded the 1969 Nobel Prize for Literature. She turned to him and said, ‘Quel catastrophe!’” Beckett declined to attend the festivities, and sent Lindon instead. The Irish ambassador was irritated.

Beckett’s Death: In 1986, Beckett was diagnosed with emphysema. A friend wrote, “He understood his particular illness, explaining the mechanics of it as might a scientist. His brain wasn’t getting proper circulation of blood. But when he detailed the sensation—how the problem was manifest in his particular body—he was all writer: succinct and artfully clear. ‘I am standing in quicksand.’” He died in 1989.

And that concludes Part One of my St. Patrick’s Day post. Cheer up, Part Two will be happier.

(Since I can’t really tell from my notes what is a direct quote and what isn’t, here is the biography I read: Bair, Deirdre. Samuel Beckett. New York: Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, 1978.)

(I didn’t think I would ever need a citation at the end of a blog post.)

(Thank you for reading this far.)

Bear Repellant

While discussing bear-proof canisters with Kumi and Jeff:

J: Kumi has the perfect plan for bear-proofing a tent. Tell her, Kumi.
K: See, it's genius-- you string up hot dogs in a circle around your tent, that way the bears just eat the hot dogs and leave you alone.
J: I've tried explaining this just makes campers the chewy center of the hot dog ring, but she doesn't believe me.
K: bear proof. I'm telling you.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Strange Ice Formations

I have nothing witty to say about this. It's ice in strange formations. Self-explanatory.











On my trip to Boston last month I spent a couple days with my college roommate, Betsy. Betsy lives in a fabulous apartment... though now that I think about it, when I lived with Betsy, we didn't have heat, so OF COURSE the new apartment seems luxurious. I remember the year we had a party and someone peed in a drawer. This was revolting enough, but then it froze and we had to thaw the drawer to clean it out. So the fact that liquids remained liquids in Betsy's post-college apartment was enough to make me love it. Reason number two to love Betsy's post-college apartment: when she gave me the tour she said "Don't worry if there are strange sounds over the living room, the guy upstairs has a ball pit". How awesome is that? Reason number three: over breakfast I was trying to check my email and one of the wireless networks was called xkcd. After seeing that I started to geek out a little bit. I professed my love for the webcomic and told her how someone awesome must live in the building and how she should find them as they are most likely a kindred spirit. And after that speech we packed up for a day around town and left the lovely, heated apartment with definitely cool neighbors and I saw THIS:

And then my head exploded.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday the 13th (February Edition)

Little brother and I went out to dinner while I was in Boston and after we finished binging on seafood and charging it to our parental units, I had him walk me to my friend's house. The friend texted me directions and I read them out loud to my brother-- "so we get off the train, go through the shopping center, take a right on Elm" "Hold up" says my brother "you want me to walk down Elm Street, in the dark, on Friday the 13th. Oh hell no. detour."

And that's the story of how an MIT student made me walk six blocks out of my way to avoid dying in a fit of superstition.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

The Joshua Tree Incident

Back in January I spent two weekends in Joshua Tree National Park. The first weekend was uneventful, the biggest challenge was learning to play chess during breakfast one morning. That game is mentally taxing. The second weekend was like something out of Man vs. Wild. I love that show, but I am not qualified to be lost in the wilderness like Bear Grylls. I do not have it in me to eat yak eyeballs or drink my own urine, though thankfully survival on this trip didn't come to that.

We set out early on a Saturday morning through the Wonderland of Rocks. The Wonderland is amazing. Piles and piles of boulders to play on and once you get over the crest of the hill of rocks-- more piles and piles of rocks to play on! The goal was to get from the Indian Cove Campsite to the Boyscout trail where we left half of our cars. Now, somewhere in the middle of navigating toward the trail, we walked up the wrong pile of rocks. And then we walked down the wrong pile of rocks. And then we (there were 9 of us) walked up and down a few more wrong piles of rocks and at this point we started to realize we're all bruised and bleeding and, though we're still in good spirits, we're fast approaching exhaustion. And the sun is setting. And then the sun actually sets. And then there are the nine of us, huddled on a boulder in the middle of the desert, getting mighty chilly and raiding everyone's bags for emergency supplies. And even though it was 35 degrees out and all I could think about was that down jacket I left in the car, the stars were breathtaking. Of course no one could sleep because you'd have that dream where you're falling and you wake up with your heart racing... and realize that you really could have fallen 20 feet and broken your leg! Not conducive to sweet dreams.

Around 4:30am everyone gave up on sleep and waited patiently for the sun to rise. The group decision was to retrace our steps back to the camp we set out from and that was all well and good, but there were spots where the "solve" for getting off a boulder was-- I kid you not-- grab this tree, swing to the right, balance on this ledge, then jump the four feet to the next one. I wouldn't do that if my legs DIDN'T look like they'd been beaten with a baseball bat. But you learn to ask for help and rely on other people and we all got back to the bottom by mid-morning. Upon arrival at camp we kissed the ground and broke out the food. Oh the food! The cookies and salami and eggs and bacon and doughnuts and coffee and beer and water without iodine! And then everyone passed out in the sand. I believe I used a rock for a pillow because after that night, it seemed downright comfortable.SO, the lessons we have learned: Always go hiking with emergency supplies. It gets bloody cold in the desert at night. And you should never wear a skirt when your legs look like this: It brings up uncomfortable questions about domestic violence and the answer "I fell off a rock and landed in a cactus" never really sounds legit.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Cold Day in the Park

Squiggly Trees

A Very Slippery Path

Female Cardinal

Male Cardinal

Black-capped Chickadee of Indeterminate Gender

Probably a Tufted Titmouse (with its "rusty flanks" visible)

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Hello new shoes, bye-bye blues


I have only ever owned one pair of sneakers that wasn't hideously ugly.

This is not that pair.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Romance

Purchased at REI:
2 plastic plates
1 plastic bowl
1 pot and pan set
1 emergency heat blanket
1 set of water purification tablets
sunscreen

REI employee: Oh, is this for Valentine's day?!

This is where ideas on romance must differ, because "Snuggle up in that space blanket, honey... Here's a nice glass of iodine water for you" just doesn't do it for me.

xoxo, Ivan

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

In Which We Find Katie P. is a Terrible Influence

Because Katie P. is all up in the comments saying "oh look, here are these maple bacon cookies. they're made of flour, butter and bacon and oh THEY LOOK DELICIOUS" I spent the day making cookies. out of bacon.

The dough was easy. The frosting simple. The Candied Bacon. Well, here's a picture of my apartment. You see the sun streaming through that window? You can see that beautiful ray because there's so much smoke in my apartment. mmmm, bacon smoke. I opened all the windows before the fire alarm went off and I ate the bacon out on the balcony. It said it was optional for the cookies so I took it to be more of an appetizer.

And I have to say-- the cookies are pretty good. A pleasant "I can eat this for breakfast because it shares ingredients with a pancake" taste.

To sum up: Maple Bacon Cookies: just as good in theory as they are in practice. You are all invited to breakfast at my house to test said theory. Please bring coffee.

Of Maple and Bacon

The scenario in which I discovered Maple Bacon Lollipops went something like this:

co-worker: what should we eat for lunch?
Ivan: I do not know, let me do some research.
co-worker (ten minutes later): we're going out for Chinese
Ivan: but I found these Maple Bacon Lollipops online and they look amazing!
co-worker (reading over shoulder): A) they do not look amazing and B) I'm not waiting 5-7 business days for lunch.

And for that quip I refused to share my lollipops with him when they did arrive.

It should be said that I take Maple very seriously. Raised in Upstate NY we have strong ties to pure sugar. As a child I was taken maple-sugaring, where you walk out to the woods, a tree is tapped, they boil the sap and serve you syrup in a tiny paper cup... it's a beautiful thing. And once I had a layover in Toronto and the first thing I did was buy a pack of maple sugar candies at duty free and then I sat down and ate them all. It is very difficult to sleep on an international flight after eating an entire box of sugar, but it was so worth it.

So the Maple Bacon Lollipops arrived and I tore in to one and frankly, the maple is sub par and the bacon is soggy and for some reason the stick fell apart and I found myself eating a lot of paper. I chalked the stick disintegration up to user error, but I tried another one and the same thing happened, so I can only assume they planned it that way and really, I'm just not that into paper pulp.

That is my review of the Maple Bacon Lollipop. To sum up:

Maple Bacon Lollipop: better in theory.

And with that being said, I sent one to Simon to get her opinion. She says it's lurking in her kitchen. I cannot wait for her review. EAT IT. EAT IT. (hedgehog peer pressure).

Monday, February 02, 2009

In Which Simon Discovers The Beetroot, Then Murders And Eats It

I had a delicious salad at The Cheesecake Factory over the weekend which involved arugula, radicchio, goat cheese, roasted asparagus, candied pecans, and beets. It was basically the best thing I've ever eaten in my life. So I decided that since it was a salad, and therefore not that compicated, I would simply reproduce it at home. The way I say that sounds like I'm now going to enumerate the fourteen ways it went horribly wrong and tell you that because of this salad I've lost the use of two limbs and can no longer do arithmetic. But the fact is, my limbs are fine, and I never could do arithmetic anyway. This salad turned out pretty well, and I can tell you, no one is more surprised than me. Please consider this conversation:

Woman at checkout: Beets. Huh. How do you cook beets?
Me: I have no idea.
Woman at checkout: Oh. Okay.

The poor woman continued to try to work out my logic for the rest of the five minutes we spent together; naturally, it was impossible for her to know how many strangers before her have also tried, and failed, in similar situations.

In fact, it turns out you can just boil beets, like basically any vegetable. However, the guidelines for boiling them are disappointingly vague. For example: what is the standard size of a beet? How do I know if my beets are "large"? Will they be done in half an hour? Or will they need 45 minutes? These are the kinds of questions that always trip me up when I'm cooking. Like the other day when I was baking banana bread in the wrong-size pan. How much less time do you cook something when it's covering more area? Is there a formula? Should I lower the temperature? Oh, if only there were some kind of book that would explain all these things to do with cooking OH YES there is and it is a called a COOKBOOK and there are BAJILLIONS of them but they all share one MAJOR FLAW and here it is: they assume a certain amount of competence that not everyone possesses, namely me. Every recipe should have a section called "Plan B" which is the part that tells you what to do if you are one of those people who never has the right size pan, or who doesn't keep pineapple juice around just in case they need a tablespoon of it to make salad dressing, or who couldn't tell a normal beet from a gargantuan beet if the gargantuan beet rolled up and squashed her.

Anyway. I boiled the beets. Maybe a little too much. (How do I know what degree of "easily" a fork should go into them?) And when they were thoroughly annoyed, I put them in a bowl of cold water to cool. And I looked down at them. And I thought, gross. That looks like a bowl of hearts.


Then I went to pick one up, and it was more slippery than I expected, and I dropped it, and it went SPLAT on the counter. And I looked at it. And I thought, that is undoubtedly one of the most off-putting vegetables I have ever seen.

Honestly. It has a tail like a rat.

The other thing about beets is that, obviously, they are red. Do you know what else is red?

Oh my god! What have I done?!

Fortunately, a dismembered beet looks lovely on a salad and tastes delicious.


Well, that's a lie. Beets are not delicious. They are peculiar in a not unpleasant way. Like a lot of people. But you should never put people in a salad. Unless it is Plan B.

Blue Streak

Over the weekend I read 65% of The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao and watched The Departed.

Consequently I'm having a really difficult time resisting the impulse to casually use extraordinarily bad language at work today.

I also watched The Queen, but strangely enough, prim and proper just doesn't rub off.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Inferiority Complex?

Last night I dreamed that my boss told me she didn't like the recipe I use for sugar cookies, even though she has never had any of my sugar cookies, nor have we ever even talked about sugar cookies. I also dreamed that Pierce Gleeson said somewhere that he did not like this blog -- not just the web design, which is admittedly substandard, but the content -- even though I'm quite sure he has never read it. Then I dreamed a complete stranger scoffed at my photography, which wasn't fair because in my dream I felt like I was trying to move through marshmallow, and it was really hard to focus on the waterfall while trying not to fall off the edge of the cliff that I got to through a secret room in the library. Meaningless criticisms I see ahead for tonight:

1. Carl Kasell belittles the way I wash dishes, in spite of not knowing I exist.
2. Heslington berates my critical thinking skills, regardless of being a sheep-shaped doorstop.
3. The wind tells me I am wearing ugly shoes, even though it is dressed in a red plaid suit and is in no position to judge.

Addendum: As a matter of fact, after writing this, I dreamed that I was forced to repeat my senior year of high school, and was scolded by an authority figure for having forgotten the combination to my locker. Even though I had not used it in eight years. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be in this pickle if they hadn't taken away the yearbook room, but no one listens to logic in dreams.

I think it's worth mentioning that the rest of my class had to repeat, too, and that Dan remembered his locker combination. "Oh yeah, of course I know it. Use it all the time. Sheesh, Simon."

Matt, however, was having some issues being re-enrolled because his mom couldn't find a copy of his birth certificate. He stopped at a showcase in the hallway, bought a lizard, and said, "Well this should take care of it." And we all agreed that indeed a lizard was a perfectly acceptable replacement for Matt's birth certificate. Annoyingly, my alarm went off before I found out what the guidance office said.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Continuing Our Cyber Tour of the St. Louis Zoo




These pictures were taken from an overlook above the tiger cage. Or "exhibit" as they would probably say. They are not the best pictures ever. It was a million degrees in St. Louis at the end of August. The overlook was a vast, shadeless expanse. There were sand dunes. I could have been killed by a spiceblow. Really! As it was, I did nearly drown in a puddle of my own sweat and sustained third-degree sunburns on all areas of exposed skin. This is a distracting condition in which to try to photograph moving targets, and I'm sorry that I could not properly capture the adorableness of these tiger cubs during my near-death experience.

Monday, January 26, 2009

King(s) of the Park Bench? And the Epitome of Old Age


Been meaning to post this, too. Standing on a bench is not as cool as standing on a fake rock formation, but it sure beats the gravel. You can tell they just feel better there, 1.5 feet above sea level.

Also:
Okay, folks. This is going to be a recurring game, apparently. Who does it look like? No, you'll never guess. Here:


Granted, Joan Rivers has hair and ears. And ever since she did that commercial mocking her own plastic surgeries, I have felt a weird admiration for her, on those occasions when I think of her at all. Which are rare. I didn't even think of her as tortoise-like until I Googled "wrinkly neck." Ooh, snap. No, I didn't mean it. I actually rummaged through my brain for people with wrinkly necks and she came to mind first. It was just a coincidence that she has a tortoise-nose, too. New rule: No more posting when tired. It's clearly irresponsible.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Hippopotamic Land Mass and a Grave Instance of Language Abuse


I took this picture at the St. Louis Zoo in August. There is no particular reason I am posting it today. It's 5:13 and I find myself between things to do: why not post a picture of a hippo trying to hide behind a wooden column? Why not indeed.

In verifying the spelling of "hippopotamic" I discovered that the word "hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia" allegedly exists. I say allegedly because it seems like a pretty stupid word to me. "Hippopotamus" means "water horse" and has no place, etymologically-speaking, in a word about words. Furthermore, the Internet tells me that the Greek and Latin components of this word are used incorrectly. I conclude that though "hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia" is allegedly defined as "the fear of long words," what it really means, if actually employed, in any context, is: "My use of this word suggests that I am a show-off with a third-rate sense of irony." Beware!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

No kidding, this is the kind of relief I feel today.


"And as the Captains gazed south to the Land of Mordor, it seemed to them that, black against the pall of cloud, there rose a huge shape of a shadow, impenetrable, lightning-crowned, filling all the sky. Enormous it reared above the world, and stretched out towards them a vast threatening hand, terrible but impotent: for even as it leaned over them, a great wind took it, and it was all blown away, and passed; and then a hush fell."

Monday, January 19, 2009

Don't Tell Me It Doesn't Get Cold Here


These photos are from two separate weekends in Los Angeles... well, slightly outside Los Angeles, but still! Cold! The first is from a snowshoeing expedition along Highway 2. During the rainy season they decide it's completely pointless to plow the road so they close it for winter sports. It's bizarre to get to a melty spot and see the double yellow lines poking through the snow. Also, people bring their pickup trucks to the top of the road, fill them up with snow and DRIVE IT HOME TO PLAY WITH. I saw at least five cars doing this. You people are CRAZY.


The second is from a weekend in Joshua Tree where I am happy to say, I was not attacked by killer spiders. I did manage to scrape most of the skin off my leg during a bouldering adventure, but it seemed minor considering none of the boulders had eight legs or the ability to scurry. After bouldering, we hiked back through a wash and stumbled upon this icy area. The Co-Spelunker was intent on finding out how thick the ice was, but arrested his investigation when he realized he was going to fall into a foot of ice water in the middle of the desert.

Of course it is 87 degrees in Los Angeles proper today.

I am wearing a skirt and flip flops.

Feel free to hate me, but don't tell me it doesn't get cold!