Thursday, April 09, 2009

This post is better than the commercial I'm watching for a movie with Russell Crowe with long hair and a southern accent, that's all I can say for it.

This is the post that is going to make you ask yourself, "Why do I read this blog?" The answer is because no other blog offers the kind of hard-hitting coverage of the important issues that we do here at Simon & Ivan. The most important issue I can think of facing us today is this: which of Simon's mugs hold the most tea? This is a question that has puzzled me for some time. It has long seemed that some of my mugs are employing some strange alien technology to allow them to hold more tea than seems possible. That, or I am shrinking. I choose to believe my mugs are alien; it makes me feel better.

To prove this I compared my estimate of how much these mugs should hold, according to their appearance, with the amount they actually hold.

My guess is shown in this delightful picture in which I have arranged the mugs from largest to smallest:

And here is the order according to how much they hold:

Oh my goodness! It's so different!

It turns out that innocent-looking pine-cone mug that Meryl gave me seven years ago is And also alien.

I had absolutely nothing to blog about today.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

My New Favorite Text Message


Some days I wake up and I look at my phone and I think "wow, I have some strange friends".

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Lecture Disguised as Book Review

So I’ve been thinking a lot about books lately. Partly because I’ve just quit my job to write one, partly because I recently discovered The Guardian’s Books page, which is an inspiring haven of literacy, and partly because I’ve just finished reading Michael Largo’s Genius and Heroin (and other variations including pills, absinthe, crack, hash, martinis, bourbon, and sex): The Illustrated Catalogue of Creativity, Obsession, and Reckless Abandon Through the Ages.

Today I’m going to talk about Largo’s book. It contains brief biographies focused on the self-destructive tendencies of various writers, artists, musicians, composers, actors, etc., detailing whatever lurid facts are known about the deaths. It took me three months to finish because it was so depressing I had to read it in small doses. Gosh, these artsy folks are really messed up. It was certainly intriguing, though frequently appalling and sometimes plain awful. The upside was that I learned about a lot of interesting people I hadn't really known anything about, and more that I didn't even know existed.

However.

I have three serious problems with this book, the third of which, I warn you, is very detailed:

1. Yes, it’s true, this catalogue is illustrated, but no explanation whatsoever is given for the illustrations, many of which are rather obscure. The credits are listed at the back of the book, separated by semicolons, with no page numbers for reference. What?! What kind of book design is that?! Also, I desperately wish there were not only an index of the unfortunate people who made it into the book, but an index of demises, too. Not just because I have a dark sense of humor and would find it funny, but because it would be useful when you’re going back to look for examples and you can only remember the manner of death, not the name.

2. A lot of these people were not really self-destructive. Emily Dickinson probably had some kind of social anxiety disorder, but she didn’t get it on purpose, and it didn’t kill her. Marcel Proust, likewise, did not die of a fear of germs, he died of pneumonia. Ironic, but not suicide. Also, if the Emperor of Rome tells you he’ll kill you if you don’t kill yourself, and you do it, that doesn’t really seem like suicide either. More like murder by proxy, in which the proxy just happens also to be the victim. In summary: I don’t believe that just because you were artistic and died means you were necessarily tortured by your genius. As far as I know, mortality rates remain at 100% for people in all occupations.

3. The introduction left me deeply irritated, and this sentence had a lot to do with it: “The fact that five of the seven American Nobel Laureates in Literature were alcoholic becomes hard to ignore for a young writer who sets out to create work equally memorable.” OH BOY do I have big issues with this.

First, those numbers are weird. I suspect Largo got them from Donald W. Goodwin’s book, Alcohol and the Writer, which was published in 1988. At that time there were nine American citizens who had won the award. One of them was born in Canada, and two were born in Poland. I think Goodwin discounted the Polish ones and counted the Canadian as American (Saul Bellow evidently moved from Quebec to Chicago when he was nine). And of that group of seven “Americans”, it’s true, five were alcoholics or as good as. But between 1988, and 2008, when Genius and Heroin was published, Toni Morrison won the award as well. Toni Morrison, to my knowledge, is not an alcholic. So there are in fact eight more-or-less American laureates, five of whom drank too much, and then we have these two Polish writers who did not drink too much, who are American citizens but whom we are not counting maybe because they make the numbers look less bad? I find it suspicious when someone wants to draw a scientific conclusion from a sample of fewer than ten people.

Second, any writer who is specifically setting out to create “memorable” work rather than just writing what they write should stop writing.

Third, being a writer is not like being an actor; it’s such a solitary activity that the habits of other writers are not likely to rub off on you. You do not hear that Hemingway was a dedicated alcoholic and say to yourself, “Oh, so that’s how it’s done,” and go buy a bottle of whiskey. Michael Chabon tried that, and I take his word for it that it only worked for Hemingway; and moreover, I might even suggest that Hemingway probably could have written just as well if his crutch had not been drug-related.

Fourth, and I stand by this firmly, writers’ lives should be considered separately from their work. Following the from the last sentence I quoted, Largo says, “Poets such as Keats, Byron, and Shelley made their young deaths part of the poignancy of the work.” Probably he means other people made their deaths a part of the poignancy of their work, because the poets, being dead, were not capable of making anything of it at all. Let’s take Shelley as an example: Shelley drowned while sailing in Italy when he was 29. He didn’t know he was going to die then and in that way. He did not write any poems about it, because once it happened, he was dead. The fact that he was young when he died makes no difference to the meaning of what he wrote before he died. If you’re going to consider his death when reading into his poetry, you’d also have to consider his life, and he was kind of a jerk. He left a trail of suicidal women behind him and is the only man I’ve ever heard of who had children whose maternity is in doubt. Not poignant. Moreover, there is some evidence that he did not so much accidentally or purposely drown as get murdered, so I don’t buy any tortured genius theories about him, nor the other two: Keats died of tuberculosis and Byron got a cold and was bled to death by his doctors. That’s just bad luck.

It seems to me that Largo is just sort of guessing at this theory that creative geniuses are more likely to be self-destructive because anecdotal evidence suggests that it should be true. He has a book full of people who were creative and who, either directly or indirectly, killed themselves—but if he wrote a book about people who were creative and died of natural causes, it would be twice as long. I suppose my complaint is not that there’s no credibility to the suggestion that creativity and madness are somehow related, but that it’s the wrong way of getting at the wrong question. This book wants to know about a particular group of screwed-up creative types—“did genius create their torment, or was it their anguish that created their genius?” I would bet all those people’s addictions and vices and mental illnesses came from a combination of genetics, personality, and circumstance, just like with everyone else. That isn’t the interesting part; that’s the mundane part of human existence. The interesting part is the quality and variety and interpretation of the art that all those people came up with, and what it means to be a creator, not just a sufferer.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Rationale

I work in post production. I love the computers and the dark edit bays and the fact that I don't have to interact with very many people... but it's a male dominant profession. And boys don't eat very well. Our version of craft services is 30 bags of potato chips in a bottom drawer and some strawberry poptarts to meet the fruit requirement. And of course when such lovely snacks are around, I am inclined to eat them. So, in an attempt to be healthier I joined a website that lets you log your food and exercise. I like this method because if you exercise, you get to eat more strawberry poptarts... I understand this isn't actually healthy, but it's the sort of rationale I can get behind.

This weekend I went backpacking and when I got back on Sunday afternoon I logged all my exercise-- and let me tell you, hiking for two days with a 30lb pack earns you a lot of calories. Like, more calories than I could eat in a week... and instead of saying "wow-- look at how heathy I was this weekend! I should celebrate with some carrots!" I did the math and said "wow-- I could eat an entire can of Pringles!" And when I logged that logic into the food calculator it gave me a little sad face.

I guess its cold computer heart doesn't understand what it means to EARN 200% of your daily intake of salt... but being in post production, I get it. And I think the boys would be proud.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Monster Cookies

Tonight I am baking ginger cookies. Why? Because I have 3/4 of a jar of molasses to use. (See post on Guinness bread.) At a quarter-cup per batch, I estimate that I will still have this jar of molasses in 2011. It originally made its way into my home through Matt, who bought it so we could make gingerbread men a year and a half ago. But we did not get around to gingerbread men until last Christmas, at which point I believe Matt made the dough at home and therefore failed to use up my molasses for me. Which was actually his anyway.

What you are currently mistaking for a not very interesting story about molasses is actually the scintillating introduction to this post, which is about cookies; namely, the deformed and deranged cookies that my friends enjoy making at festive holiday get-togethers.

Back in December, I had the aforementioned friends over for a cookie-baking and -decorating party. There was much fellowship and good cheer, which somehow resulted in some seriously troubling cookies.

For example, this is an angel. On fire. Please don't fail to notice the cookie peeking into the frame on the right; it is wearing an egregious amount of makeup.

Left to right: Ghost of Christmas future, another cookie with fake eyelashes, and a cookie that appears to be desperately upset. You would be saying OMG too if your eyeball were that badly swollen.

This cookie is covered in a thick layer of green goo. More to the point, its leg seems to be bursting out of its chest for some reason.

Oh, dear. This cookie has had a smaller version of itself pop out of its stomach and make a terrible mess.

One of these cookies kidnaps women, holds them captive in his underground lair, and makes them sing. Yes, you're right, it's the one who's blushing.

One of these is an alien and the other is a DAMN FINE CAMEL if I do say so myself.

The enormous goose shown here has unfortunately contracted the pox, the plague, or something else wretched.

This cookie has had an accident.

This cookie has been MURDERED!

And this cookie, last but not least, vants-a to suck-a your blooooood.

For us, Christmas and Halloween are more or less interchangeable.

Unsolicited Advice

As some of you may know, there are big changes coming to Simon and Ivan. I'm planning to move across the country this summer, and in light of this decision, I've been getting rid of stuff. It's amazing how much junk you can acquire in five years... and how much cat hair can collect on the couch... but if you receive a package from me with say, a Christmas card addressed to someone else instead of a proper Hallmark Greeting, it's not because I don't love you, it's because I'm trying to slim down on the amount of crap that I have to put in dear Friday the Honda Civic's trunk... and every unsent holiday card counts!

Putting things to good use is something I should be doing, but far too often I find myself hoarding "the pretty". Simon sent me the most beautiful package of treasures for my birthday and I didn't want to use any of it. I had several lovely flower shaped tea lights, an adorable saucer and a bar of soap on display in my bathroom because looking at them made me happy... but yesterday I ran out of hand soap and decided it was time to use the Simon soap. It weighs more than a greeting card, so it's officially excess. I unwrapped the shiny green ribbon and set it aside and tore through the thick green paper and smelled the soap-- and then I saw the inside of the ribbon


Thank you, Soap! I needed that reminder! I usually get my advice from the inside of beer bottle caps, but this smells different! So I'm going to keep this in my medicine cabinet right next to my other piece of unsolicited advice (courtesy of a magic hat #9).

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Biker Girl

I've been riding my bike to work and with this goes a fine sense of moral superiority. I feel so eco-friendly as I coast along next to the gas guzzlers... BUT, it also scares the ever living crap out of me. Biking through traffic is terrifying for so many reasons, most of which involve how much of me would survive a confrontation with a Hummer. I like my legs and I'm fairly certain they wouldn't make it out in one piece.

But I've been braving the mean streets anyway and yesterday I had my first fall. I suppose it's a right of passage, but I was really hoping it would be from dodging a door, or a gigantic pothole I couldn't avoid. As it was, I didn't tie my shoelaces tight enough and one of them got caught in the pedal. There's nothing as graceless as slowly pulling to the side of the street as your pink Converse gets sucked into your wheel, trying desperately to kick your shoe from your foot and coming to a halt at the corner of Pico and Overland where you let your bike fall on top of you, in a messy heap of girl and cycle. I must have looked like a circus act gone terribly wrong. But as I picked myself up and double knotted my shoes, I still felt it-- that fabulous sense of eco-superiority. Los Angeles may be laughing at me, but somewhere out there, a Polar Bear is smiling... and wishing I would tie my shoes tighter.

Joke's on Me

Sequence of thoughts while baking muffins just now.

I wonder how old this Crisco is.

Oh good, March 19. Close call.

Wait. It's April 1.

Proceeds to use Crisco anyway.

Ivan's so lucky, she gets to post on April Fools' Day.

Wait. April 1 is an odd day.

But I posted yesterday.

WHAAAAAAT?

I was not prepared for this!

I can't believe it's 2009 and we don't have a decent calendar that would prevent this kind of thing.

Is it even 2009?

I just wanted muffins.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Rare Species


True, it snowed here yesterday. But I bet SoCal doesn't have bread-and-butterflies.

You will of course remember the bread-and-butterfly from Disney's Alice in Wonderland. This is one case in which Disney improved on the original. This is John Tenniel's drawing from Through the Looking Glass:


That's the kind of insect I used to be terrified would crawl across my face at night. I would blame this on Tenniel's dour imagination, but here's the description he was drawing from:

'Crawling at your feet,' said the Gnat (Alice drew her feet back in some alarm), 'you may observe a Bread-and-Butterfly. Its wings are thin slices of Bread-and-butter, its body is a crust, and its head is a lump of sugar.'

'And what does IT live on?'

'Weak tea with cream in it.'

A new difficulty came into Alice's head. 'Supposing it couldn't find any?' she suggested.

'Then it would die, of course.'

'But that must happen very often,' Alice remarked thoughtfully.

'It always happens,' said the Gnat.


WHAT KIND OF CHILDREN'S STORY IS THIS?! It's amazing to me that the Victorians didn't just creep themselves out, right into extinction.

John Tenniel, by the way, lost an eye fencing with his father when he was twenty.

Just wanted to throw that out there.

The non-scary bread-and-butterfly was given to me by Matt on the occasion of my unbirthday yesterday. It is very charming AND magnetic, and it is perched on top of my refrigerator. Thankfully, I can provide weak tea and cream DAILY.

Monday, March 30, 2009

SoCal in Bloom


I was stuck in an edit bay all weekend, but this is what it looks like outside. I hear it's snowing in New York.

Friday, March 27, 2009

However, there was no mention of my future success as a naval officer.

Since I have no earthly idea how tarot cards work (I only bought them because who could pass up tarot cards made up by Edward Gorey?) so I just swirled these in a pile and drew one. Ta-da!

According to the little book, this means, and I quote:

April
hereditary weakness
thrush
loss of money
a false statement
morbid dependency
staggering sickness
champerty*
megrims
paranoia
an overdose
imprisonment
unstable furniture


Hmm. Unstable furniture. That sounds familiar.

*In case you had no idea: "In modern idiom maintenance is the support of litigation by a stranger without just cause. Champerty is an aggravated form of maintenance. The distinguishing feature of champerty is the support of litigation by a stranger in return for a share of the proceeds." Once again, Wikipedia, I am indebted to you. Please don't be lying to me.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

A Picture of the San Andreas Fault


yes, I know, it's thrilling. When it shifts, the stream that runs along the hill shifts as well. When a channel is separated from the rest of the stream it is called a beheaded stream.

And here is a photo of a Kangaroo Mouse, to show you that not everything about my weekend was educational and dull. Some of it was downright adorable.

Just Inching Along


This weekend I stood on the San Andreas Fault. Not as thrilling as one would think.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

"So... you're going to suffer... and you're going to be happy about it?"

When normal people are under a certain amount of stress, they get irritable, or start drinking heavily, or take up smoking, or if they can afford it, develop a cocaine habit. What I do is step up the quality of the tea I drink. I am now on the hard stuff. Goodbye Salada, hello loose-leaf Yorkshire Gold.

The problem with loose-leaf tea is that it's too finely-ground, and much of it goes right through my tea strainers. Generally all the little bits and pieces sink to the bottom, and I am left with this:


It's not gross, it's my future! I have studied this carefully for at least two and a half minutes, and matching it up with some creepy tasseology website, I've concluded that my tea leaves are malfunctioning. I see nothing here but blobs. No owls, elephants, ships, tractors, ladders, fish, butterflies, or in fact anything more distinct than a pile of dirt. Maybe I'll make my fortune in construction work. When I get home, I'll try out my Edward Gorey Fantod Pack and see if it sheds any light on this. The Fantod Pack is way more specific, if about fourteen times as puzzling.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A Post That Really Shouldn't Be About Bears, Yet Somehow Is

This post should be about the 2.2 million dollars California spent to put on ANOTHER election today despite the fact that we had one two weeks ago and will have another one in two months... but it's not.

I was doing some research and every other candidate on the ballot had "unemployment" and "healthcare" as a priorities, except Marvin Leon Evans:

But what will all the unemployed people do if you take away bear hunting?

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cultural Reference Mismatch

Bumper sticker on American car on American highway: "My other car is the Tardis."

In e-mail from distinguished (aren't they all?) Briton: "Yoiks, as Scooby-Doo would say."

Some days everything seems designed to give me pause.

Mainly Filler

Hello, everyone. I am supposed to blog on odd weekdays, which went terribly well last week because there were only two odd days and I happened to have a good deal to say about Samuel Beckett and raisins. Unfortunately, those were my last two ideas. So, um, here is what I did this weekend: cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, read half of BookForum, did my taxes, listened to strangers discuss Clytemnestra's murder of Agamemnon, and saw a movie. Observations:

1. My kitchen was already clean.
2. If you have been walking through mud, wipe your feet before going inside, stupid.
3. BookForum is great. And somehow seems infinitely less pretentious than the New York Review of Books.
4. You should be able to designate what you'd like your taxes to be used for. There are some large holes in the road on my way to work that I'd really like to have taken care of.
5. Agamemnon totally deserved it. I never liked him.
6. Clive Owen has a weird face. The theory of beauty that rests on symmetricality is completely bogus.

Okay, that's all I've got. Maybe next time you check in, Ivan will have posted and it will be an interesting story about bears (which is the request I got for this post and could not fulfill because I have zero bear stories. I have a rabid raccoon story, some very ugly cat stories, and a story about a dog that rolls in poo, but no bear stories. I'll see what I can do about that).

Friday, March 20, 2009

Rawr

Yesterday I purchased a Bear Can and instead of driving to my friend's house for dinner, I decided to walk the mile and a half... with my Bear Can. Because how many opportunities in life will I have to walk down the promenade with a Bear Can? Not many, my friends. Not many.


Carpe Diem.

image via Modern Hiker

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Recommended Daily Dose


This is a 4.5 lb. bag of raisins. It expires in May 2009. Since I discovered it hiding at the back of my cupboard last month, I have been eating raisins in the morning, in the evening, as a side, for dessert, sometimes as a whole meal, and it still has 3.5 lbs. of raisins left. If you do not hear from me for several days, please break down the door of my apartment. Inside you will find one giant raisin, about 5' 2'', prone on the floor, blinking up at you. That will be me. Let us hope that however Willy Wonka handled Violet Beauregard will also work for me -- but if not, please call all of the tabloids. If I'm going to be a human raisin, I'd like to be a filthy rich one.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Lady Bird, Lady Bird

The presence of wildlife is so rare in Los Angeles that a sighting is a remarkable occasion-- it's akin to a celebrity sighting but sounds like "You're not going to believe this! I saw a POSSUM on La Brea last night!" and then everyone tells you about the time they saw A DEER on Lauren Canyon-- an ACTUAL deer!

And a few weekends ago while hiking I saw BUGS! Ladybugs! It's ladybug mating season on the Mische Mokwa trail-- it wasn't full tilt yet, but there were still piles of them throughout the meadow.