curiouser and curiouser

i would like to remark on some remarkable things.
1. while participating in the traffic equivalent of eavesdropping, i noticed that the woman next to me was driving and talking on the phone. i only found this remarkable because she had sealed both her hands and the cell phone in separate ziplock bags. i wonder if the "yellow and blue makes green" seal helps with reception?
2. i went on a very boring hike. the hike promised, "two miles to M*A*S*H* site" from the first trail marker. and since everyone wants to see where M*A*S*H* was filmed, i was forced to keep hiking. and every sign i thereafter said "two miles to M*A*S*H* site". thus the M*A*S*H* site was never found. is this a military conspiracy or a hollywood conspiracy?
3. i just finished dog sitting for a maltese that can dance for her food, but cannot figure out how to climb off the furniture. this dog would rather starve than jump off the couch. if i invent a time machine, should i go back and let darwin have his way with her?
4. my mother is here and she is driving about... oh... twelve miles an hour. i think she is the real reason los angeles traffic is so bad. it's not the butterfly flapping its wings in the amazon, it's my mother braking for yet another green light on the offchance that it will change in the next six years. i am sure she's the reason i was rear ended last week.
5. work keeps telling me there's nothing to do at night, so i work the day shift... eight hours later they remember "oh, there is work to do at night!" and they ask me to stay and do it. conclusion: they hate me, yes?
6. fourth of july weekend i drove to irvine to see my little cousin perform with the kingston trio and pat sajak. i don't think a ten-year-old should perform with such old people. it's causing permanent social damage. while driving he badgers his mother until she puts on the smooth jazz station. i think this will lead to premature balding.
7. i'm almost positive i heard a "barnyard animal fashion show" advertised on the radio. i wonder if i should i drive 45 miles down to orange county to see if i was right?