Thursday, July 10, 2008

Not Taking This Seriously Anymore

Today's advice from my Worst-Case Scenario desk calendar: How to Foil a UFO Abduction

I find the assumptions they make about aliens to be interesting. First of all, why would an "extraterrestrial biological entity" necessarily want to abduct you? Why is abduction at the root of all human fear concerning aliens? It seems more likely to me that they'd come here to dump their garbage. And depending on how much they brought, we might WANT to go back with them.

Secondly, just because it's an alien doesn't mean it's psychic, so controlling your thoughts when faced with one may be a waste of energy. Anyway, I think it's a lot to ask of a person who has just been confronted with an alien simply to not freak out, much less control their thoughts. Similarly, I don't see why picturing yourself enveloped in a shield of white light is going to be remotely useful either, unless these aliens are as lame as you are and think white light equals safety.

As for the advice that you should "firmly tell the EBE to leave you alone"? You might as well scream STRANGER DANGER! at it. It's probably not going to speak English. Nor is there any reason to believe that body language is intergalactically universal.

As for their last resort -- "go for the EBE's eyes because you won't know what its other more sensitive areas are" -- I just want to point out that the alien pictured on this page looks exactly like a short, skinny human wearing a classic big-eyed alien mask. This leads me to believe that instead of going for its eyes, you should tackle it and threaten to tell Mom, because chances are good it's just your little brother.

(Incidentally, it turns out I owe myself ten dollars. See Previous Worst Case Scenario Post)