Tuesday, May 27, 2008


My new favorite word is "pursuivant". It is pronounced "per-sweeve-ant" by Rowan Atkinson in an episode of Black Adder entitled "The Witchsmeller Pursuivant"-- an episode that in no way clarifies what pursuivant means, but still makes me want to say "pursuivant!" all the time. Wikipedia seems to think it's some sort of an arms master, but I really don't care.

In light of this new! fabulous! multi-purpose! word (yes, I have decided it's multi-purpose -- "that's so pursuivant!" "he's so pursuivant!" "this is the most wretchedly pursuivant day I have ever experienced." --like hoopy-frood but with the versatility of a swear word) I present to you my latest craft project:

The Pursuivan-T

I couldn't take a decent picture while I was wearing it, but I promise you, it looks totally pursuivant.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Me: Couldn't you just remove both feet at the ankles?

Doctor: No.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

To the Sullen Teenaged Boy in the Passenger's Seat of the Pink Mary Kay Cadillac Parked at the Post Office

I'm very sorry I pointed and laughed at your mom's car. I didn't realize you were in it at the time or I definitely would have spared you that moment of humiliation. I would advise that next time you are forced to ride in that mockery of an automobile, you duck down and keep your head below the dashboard. Even with your shaggy emo haircut covering half your face, people can still recognize you. Other alternatives include riding on the floor of the back seat, riding in the trunk, or just flat-out refusing to get into Barbie's Pink Cadillac in the first place. If you can graduate early and move out of town to start fresh, I would recommend that as well.

Anyway, please don't kill yourself or anyone else. There's always the hope that your mom's streak of sales successes will peter out and Mary Kay will take the car back. There's also sabotage, or if all else fails, sue. She may be your mother, but did you ask to be born? Moreover, did you ask to be born to someone obsessed with makeup? No you certainly did not. And I think a judge would agree with you. Maybe a normal family would adopt you. If not, you could at least use your settlement money to move to New York and start a band, which is what you were really meant to do. High school, smalls towns, Mary Kay cars, these things are not for you. Forget that stupid car; take your sullenness and your shaggy haircut and go conquer the world.


Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Purple Way of Delight

This is one of my favorite times of year in Los Angeles. The Jacaranda's are blooming and entire city blocks are filled with periwinkle and sunlight. Sometimes, when I drive to work, I feel like Anne, seeing the Avenue for the first time.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

I meant to write about my trip to Germany, but my computer didn't make it out in one piece and I didn't think anyone would believe the post about grown men and women dressed as garden patches, wearing overalls made of astro turf and butterfly headbands, drinking on the rainy streets in 34 degree weather without some photographic evidence. Or that time they marched a stuffed doll through the city in the dead of night carrying torches and whispering "wooo, wooo" while wearing green wigs and furry elephant costumes and then set the doll on fire. I'm not sure I believe it.

And I meant to start writing regularly once my job slowed down and I officially had nothing better to do, but the job never slowed down and I am consistently having to remind myself "DON'T PANIC, this will all be over soon. Soon you will remember what a weekend is like". But that's still four weeks away, so in the meantime I have been distracting myself with semi-complicated art projects. Behold: The Chalkboard Wall.

I even took the time to bribe Gilbert P. Kitten into posing in front of The Chalkboard Wall. It only took six cans of unopened cat food to get him to sit on that table.

I use the chalkboard wall to keep track of my workouts. This is why it says "GO SWIM" in giant letters. I wake up in the morning and I think "seriously? I should get out of bed NOW? This seems like a bad idea" and I see the "GO SWIM" and I think, "well maybe". And then I go back to sleep, because the kind of person who thinks a chalkboard wall will motivate her to get in the pool, is not the kind of person who actually drags herself out of bed for laps. She is the kind of person who doodles in the columns later so they don't look so empty.