Monday, June 27, 2011

Pig Latin

Today I was introduced to Bacon Ipsum: A Meatier Lorem Ipsum Generator. It is disgusting, but pure genius. Lorem ipsum, as we all know, is screwed-up meaningless Latin used by graphic designers as filler text for when they want to judge how a block of text looks without being influenced by the content. I believe it is now chiefly used as the basis for amusing stories that designers tell each other at bars, where they spend a lot of time, because they deal with clients who do not understand that they are not supposed to be able to read filler text.

Aside: This brings to mind a joke someone told me at Kalamazoo once. "When I was young I learned both Latin and Greek. To this day, I can still tell them apart!" The man who told me this looked like Colonel Sanders, but more menacing. I think it's probably funnier if Colonel Sanders' evil twin is telling it to you.

Anyway, Bacon Ipsum gives you a nice variety of options. First, there is the "All Meat" choice, which goes like this:

Ham hock beef ribs pork belly jerky. Chuck brisket andouille bresaola, pork headcheese flank tongue corned beef. Ground round biltong tri-tip shank. Tongue cow rump, salami corned beef spare ribs drumstick. Strip steak tongue cow bacon pork flank. Shankle short ribs jerky ham, ribeye t-bone sausage pork belly tri-tip hamburger tenderloin headcheese tongue chicken. Tenderloin chuck fatback, tail corned beef ham hock shoulder spare ribs salami strip steak shank brisket meatloaf swine.

And then there is the "Meat and Filler" choice, which I prefer, as it is more mellifluous:

Strip steak ham hock pancetta t-bone fugiat biltong, dolore tri-tip consectetur. Pork chop consectetur bresaola officia consequat. Commodo shankle short loin cow pastrami t-bone pork, hamburger tongue ut do laborum bacon shoulder. Salami qui sunt, chuck voluptate ribeye duis sed. Veniam irure ut qui voluptate enim in minim. Corned beef ullamco hamburger, aute nulla cupidatat eiusmod dolore. Cupidatat dolore irure voluptate ad.

(I particularly like, "Salami qui sunt, chuck voluptate ribeye duis sed." Why, Catullus himself could have written that, for it is beautiful and revolting at the same time.)

You also have the option to begin with "Bacon ipsum dolor sit amet," in case you are really attached to the beginning of the vegetarian* lorem ipsum, which of course we all are:

Bacon ipsum dolor sit amet ut aliquip pork chop, sirloin andouille magna short loin adipisicing ham commodo enim jerky sausage cow. Aliquip duis sed, aliqua headcheese nostrud nisi sirloin.

Cicero would undoubtedly call this inappropriate (whilst rolling over in his grave), but as there is no actual taste involved, and it allowed me to make that FANTASTIC PIG LATIN JOKE above, I'm all for it.

*There is actually a vegetarian version. It goes like this:

Veggies sunt bona vobis, proinde vos postulo esse magis garbanzo groundnut summer purslane winter purslane lettuce. 

AND there's a vegan version ("all filler, no killer") which offers both English and Linnean names. I mean really, I am about dying of geeky glee.

English: Leaves, lentil mustard salsify jícama welsh onion swiss chard orache earthnut pea melokhia courgette garlic. Land cress nopal - broccoli rabe polk lizard's tail - rutabaga scallion

Linnean: Solanum melongena brassica rapa alboglabra group. Cyperus esculentus colocasia esculenta portulaca oleracea dioscorea spp. Pisum sativum lablab purpureus

Guess what else there is. Yes: there is an ipsum devoted entirely to fish, which is for some reason strangely funny and may also work if you need a quick source for insults. (You marblefish warty angler, you!)

Mud cat; coelacanth moonfish electric eel, spookfish deepwater stingray emperor bream orbicular batfish albacore zebra pleco. Demoiselle roach torrent catfish rohu roach marblefish warty angler yellowtail kingfish. Cobia rockweed gunnel freshwater flyingfish Bigscale pomfret tang grayling catalufa mud cat man-of-war fish flagblenny opaleye spotted dogfis.

On that note, I have to go. I'm hungry.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Ah, Memories

At long last, I have gotten a new phone. But now is not the time to talk about that. First I must eulogize my old phone. My old phone and I have been through many things together. There was that period where I could only take calls standing in a certain spot next to my chair. Not in the chair, of course, but next to the chair. There was that period where I would get cut off four times during one conversation. There was that period where I had to charge it daily, when I wasn't even using it, because its battery ran down at three times the speed of a normal phone. Happy times!

I feel like there should be a genre of jokes like the "yo momma so fat" jokes, except instead it would be like, "yo phone so old . . . it has an antenna." Yo phone so old, it only has eighteen buttons. Yo phone so old, it has buttons. Yo phone so old, you can't type parentheses on it. Yo phone so old, you can cover its whole screen with your thumb. Yo phone so old, it folds out. Yo phone so old, it can't take pictures. Yo phone so old, it doesn't have a calendar. Yo phone so old, it can't play music. Yo phone so old, you wait to answer it on three rings because you can't be sure it isn't a party line.

My phone is really old. My phone is so old I couldn't get my contacts and old texts off it, so I had to take pictures of the good ones.

This is like practically my first text ever. Sent to me by my boss. While I was sitting next to her. While we were manning the booth at the medieval conference at Kalamazoo.

This was followed by "Bill O'Reilly waxes his legs," which is almost certainly not true, and moreover not our business if it is, but we were really, really bored. Hence this text from Matt during that conference: "Personality assignment of the hour: Ann Coulter, drunk, and convinced she has a parrot on her shoulder."

Others that amuse me, and probably only me, include:

From Ivan: New favorite word for fin-footed mammals: pinnipeds. Second only to “dugongs” in awesomeness.

Also from Ivan: It’s all fun and games til someone drops their pants in the fire.

Also also from Ivan: We’ll just shave a normal cake. It will be fantastic.

From Matt: Gatie. Hdjekn. I aqe upridemfnxd. Ru are akso sassz. Pleare enej kibke ne   jtj!? <3Matt

Also from Matt: Was Ingrid Dutch? I can’t remember . . . (This really is only funny to me. But I find it hilarious.)

From Katie P, who never texts me, but felt it was important that I know who she was sitting across from on the train: Dark hair, olive skin, super light eyes, and no smart phone.

And this one, from Dan, who was standing outside my door at the time:

Goodbye, phone. You have served me well. Sort of.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Just Checking In

In case you wondered how Meridian: The Original Alpaca is doing, he is as handsome as ever.

His profile is still very distinguished.

And he has a healthy appetite:

My sister tells me one of her coworkers recently started an alpaca farm out of the blue. I anticipate this happening to me someday. I imagine it is like waking up one morning and realizing that everything is now clear. All the things you thought you wanted were just nonsense. What do you really need in life? To have a good-tempered and huggable alpaca nearby at all times. That is all. That, and maybe a capybara, a tiny house, and a snap-bracelet watch. Nothing else matters.