Thursday, July 23, 2009

Soon this blog will be called "Simon & Ivan & Alpacas"

From the family's recent alpaca adventure. I forget what her name was. Hester, Hyacinth, Hermione, something that started with an H. Which probably means it was Roberta.

More about this soon, but not now, because I'm busy watching Wonderfalls after a hard day of InDesign-wrangling.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Stupid Questions

M: Where is all this cat hair coming from?!
I: I'm fairly certain it's coming from the cat.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Today's Post Prevented By

1. Freelance work
2. Short story
3. Beatrix Potter
4. Wonderfalls
5. Prolonged thunderstorm/loss of internet
6. Laziness

In no particular order.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Blackout Humor

M: Anybody want some Ice Cream?
D: I would, but I'm not that thirsty.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Chapter 1: The Apartment

NYC apartment hunting: not for the faint of heart. I looked at several closets being passed off as living space, and I have to say, I have an issue with anyone asking $1000 for a room you can't actually fit a bed into... and I take more of an issue with you asking me to watch your cats while I'm living there... But I looked at a room last night that turned out to be charming. I made an impassioned plea to the current residents and this evening I received an email:

"Hey Ivan, it was great meeting you last night. We'd love for you to join us and the ghosts over here by the cemetery!"

I'm thrilled!

I think I'm going to have a lot to write about in the future...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Concerning Bacon

Ivan and Simon P. (please don't confuse Simon P. with me, Regular Simon; we disgree on the subject I am about to discuss) really like bacon. I like bacon, too, but the difference between us is that I prefer bacon to be used in acceptable ways. You may eat bacon with your eggs, your pancakes, your hash browns, even your sausages, if you have considerable faith in your cholesterol levels. You may eat bacon in salads. You may eat bacon in sandwiches. There are many ways to consume bacon that are fully appropriate.

And then there are methods by which the consumption of bacon is rendered inappropriate. You wouldn't think of these on your own without some kind of diabolical intervention, so I will provide you with a list.

Inappropriate Uses of Bacon:
Bacon cookies
Bacon ice cream
French-toast-and-bacon cupcakes
Bacon soap
Bacon Explosion
Bacon Eggs
Candied maple bacon creme brulee
Chocolate-covered bacon
Squeeze bacon (apparently this exists in Norway?)
Bacon salad dressing (warm)
Gummy bacon
Bacone (that would be bacon, made into the shape of a cone, filled with a heart attack)

Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting:
crochet bacon wrap

When Simon P. visited recently, she brought with her one thing in the Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting category, and one in the Inappropriate Use of Bacon category, and one in the Scandalously Inappropriate Use of Bacon category.

Item one: Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages. Here you can see the bandage, the box, and the free toy (a pig, naturally). Happily, Ivan and I were wounded and were able to immediately put these to use, hence Ivan's mother thinking her ankle looked like raw meat. Pictured here: the ankle.

Item two: Inappropriate Use of Bacon

Bacon Floss. This purportedly "Leaves mouth bacon fresh" but as there is no such thing as "bacon fresh" I highly doubt freshness of any kind will result. I personally did not try it out, but I am told that it does not taste like bacon. However, I can verify that it has a smell that is strongly reminiscent of smoked bacon, which I think we can all agree is not appropriate for dental implements.

Item three: Scandalously Inappropriate Use of Bacon

This is bacon caramel. It is caramel, but with bacon in it. I would call this ruined caramel, but as a matter of fact the caramel essentially smothers the bacon flavor. You might think this would render it harmless. It does not. The bacon is still a foreign object in a dessert in which it does not belong. It is highly inappropriate for bacon to be used in this manner, but Ivan and Simon P. were evidently unaware that they were eating desecrated candy and seemed quite happy.

I knew it was a bad idea to get them together! Nothing good can come of it. For me and pigs, anyway.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

In fact, It Is!

Mom: Dear God, Ivan, what happened to the back of your heel?! It looks like raw meat!
Ivan: In fact it is!

more details to come from Simon and her camera.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Caution: Exhaustion at Play

I have lots of things to post about but once again I nearly forgot to post today and I'm barely squeezing this in before bed. Please accept this flower in the stead of actual content. It might be a tiger lily. It might be an orange day lily. I really don't know. What I do know is, multiple people over the years have remarked to me that orange is the color of evil. By multiple, I mean two. But it's still strange. Like that time Paris, Texas came up twice in one day. That's not really the same thing, but it goes to illustrate that when you hear something twice it, stays with you. I have now put Paris, Texas in a short story because once I learned it existed it was too good not to use. I don't mean to imply by this connection that Paris, Texas is evil, but I've never been there so I can't say categorically that it is not. Three days ago I was talking to someone about how when you stay up really, really late, you usually feel perfectly fine the next day, maybe even strangely energetic, but then the day after that, you feel completely awful and can't function. The solution, we decided, was simply to not stay up really, really late. Which I then immediately did twice in a row. (Can I help it if I have entertaining friends? No I cannot.) This is the first day after. I can only imagine what tomorrow will be like. Anyway I just thought I would explain why this doesn't make any sense. Orange is for evil! Maybe I should put some hats on before I go.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

It's Called Unpredictable-Onset Blognesia

The proprietors of Simon & Ivan are inadvertently taking a vacation from posting. That means we each simultaneously forgot we had a blog. One of us is busy writing a wedding toast and the other of us is busy earning money for a change (pun not intended, but fairly decent), and if all goes well, and we survive, posting will resume on Monday.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

If Copyright Laws Didn't Exist

1. Anyone could write anything about Holden Caulfield that they wanted to. Just like Alexandra Ripley's rather terrible sequel to Gone with the Wind, called Scarlett, in which Scarlett changes her name to Katie Scarlett and moves to Ireland for a while. And Lin Haire-Sargeant's companion to Wuthering Heights, entitled H.: The Story of Heathcliff's Journey Back to Wuthering Heights, all I can remember of which is that somehow Cathy II couldn't have been the daughter of Cathy I's husband, which means Heathcliff made his son by Cathy I's husband's sister marry his daughter by Cathy. Fortunately the son was sickly and died, but still. If that ain't consanguinity, I don't know what is. Point is: since when can you not use another person's characters, plot, style, etc., etc., in the cause of art? I bite my thumb at you, United States District Court of Manhattan. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, click here.)

2. I would start a blog in which I would post one paragraph of Beatrix Potter's journal per day. Her paragraphs are conveniently self-contained, and generally entertaining, whether or not intentionally. I herewith provide you a sample:

- A boy being asked the degrees of comparison of "ill" said, "Ill, worse, dead."

- In the Christian Life last week was the following from tombstones: "In memory of . . . who died in Philadelphia. Had he lived he would have been buried here" and "Here lies . . . who was accidentally shot by his brother as a mark of respect."

- According to a local tradition Hawkshead Church would fall down as fast as it was built. The monks prayed for a vision where to build it. One had a vision to build it where the water ran both ways, and they chose Hawkshead. Priests Pot is so called because three priests drowned in it.

- The Duke of Wellington [a large statue which was moved from the top of an arch at Hyde Park Corner to a town called Aldershot in 1885] is nearly on the ground and looks surprisingly big. They say no less than twenty people lived in the arch, including six policemen, one medical student, and several families. There was an amusing article in one of the daily papers about the people who have sometimes lived in celebrated places. At one time upwards of three-hundred people lived and kept cows and poultry on the roof of a Royal Palace in Moscow, unknown to the authorities.

- A country parson came to London for his Christmas holidays. The choir wrote to him about two things. What anthem they should have on Christmas Day, and the dimensions of a floral cross. The parson telegraphed back - "Unto us a child is born, two feet wide and four feet long."

- Weather turned colder. Mr. Fawcett's death [England's Postmaster General]. Exceedingly cheerful boistrous man in spite of his blindness. Did not appear at all depressed by the absolute failure of the parcel post.

It's one weird story after another. I love it.