Monday, May 09, 2005

Alien Baby

Symptoms:
(1) strange bruise of unknown origin on inside of upper right arm
(2) persistent nausea
(3) extraordinary appetite

Possible Diagnoses:
(1) This condition is clearly the result of exam week; students often cease to eat balanced meals and become overtired at this time of year. Bruise coincidental with other symptoms.
(2) This condition is clearly the result of having toxic mold in the walls. The bruise shows that the mold has already infected your body (cf. X-Files episode 4x11, "El Mundo Gira," a.k.a. "The One With the Mold Man").
(3) This condition is clearly the result of alien abduction. The bruise is the mark from an alien needle; the nausea and increased appetite are due to the fact that you are going to have an alien baby. Alien babies are notoriously hungry little rascals.

Treatment:
(1) Stop eating crap and get more sleep.
(2) None; you are going to die.
(3) Throw a baby shower.

Of these choices, I pick the alien baby. It has more style than plain exhaustion and isn't deadly. Plus, Maeve agrees with me that alien impregnation is the only explanation for the bruise. So if someone could notify the Inquirer for me, that would be great. In the meantime you're welcome to buy gifts. The alien baby likes books, movies, and tea. I'll happily provide an address to which gift certificates can be sent.

2 comments:

Lindsey said...

lol!

Matthew said...

As per (above) request, I sent you a package today. Not necessarily INTENDED for the alien baby, but if he/she/it likes it, then you two can share it. ;)