Friday, September 22, 2006


I arrived at my perfect apartment, parked in my perfect parking spot and started to unload my not so perfect furniture, gently worn furniture...cast off furniture even, when I heard someone yelling from behind the dumpster.

Since it is almost always in your best interest to explore empty Los Angeles parking garages when you hear people shouting from behind recessed trash receptacles, I made my way toward the voice. There I found a six-year-old boy hopping up and down, trying in vain to lift a garbage lid. "please, some one heeeeelllllpppp me" said the ankle biter. And the way he clutched his heart and looked toward the heavens as if pleading for an angel to come down and lift the trash bin with a flick of her wings made me want to be his savior for the day. That and I like the way "Mistress Ivan, controller of the heavy trash lids" sounds. Also, taking action would give me license to say "BOW AND KISS MY HEDGEHOG FEET" once the trash was successfully thrown away. Both good things in my book.

So I, Mistress Ivan, controller of the heavy trash lids, lifted the lids and successfully aided the child in his quest for proper garbage disposal. My good Samaritan job being done, I went back to hauling second hand chairs upholstered in early 90's southwestern themes to my apartment. No sooner had the elevator doors opened than the little boy apparated onto the first floor landing. "Hi, I'm Tristan, can we be friends, I think we should be friends because I'm in kindergarten and you're really nice and I'm going to go ask my mom if you can come over and hang out right now was that your car downstairs because that's a cool car and we can hang out all the time because we just live right across the hall from each other!!!!!" and then he ran away.

I quickly retreated to my apartment before he could work his way inside. I hear him scurrying up and down the hall pausing outside my door, listening to see if I'm home. I fear if I look out the peep hole he'll be there, holding a small bag of trash and looking forlorn.

I have a one year lease-- Now is the crucial time to reject or embrace my new title...

Gosh I like the way "Mistress Ivan" sounds.


Simon said...

I like it, too. Plus maybe he'll teach you to apparate. Cool!

Megan said...

did you ever read the david sedaris story where this little girl in his building named brandy forcibly befriends him? needless to say, like many things in sedaris' life, it does not go well.

not to be tristan/brandy jr., but i think we should definitely have cupcakes sometime. or ice cream sandwiches because i found a place in westwood where they make it for you just like you want for $1.25 and good grief, was that exciting.

Ivan said...

megan! of course we need to eat cupcakes! especially since i live on the westside now and won't have to battle insane traffic to say hello. get my info from Simon, or I will get yours from her, or I will just facebook message you... or use telepathy... whatever works.

Simon said...

First you should both tell me whether your cell phone numbers have changed and also what your house phone numbers are if you have them. Because as you both know, I do not use telephones enough to know this information already.

Megan said...

yay, cupcakes!

okay, so i do not know precisely where the westside is but i believe i may live there. i am not sure.

i do wish i were telepathic but alas. any other method works for me!