Thursday, January 11, 2007

Supplementary to the Previous Post: The Infamous Basket Weaving Incident

When people make light of basket weaving, it is because they have never tried it. Oh, the weaving, maybe they've done that, pshaw! Anybody can weave a basket, especially if you leave the term "basket" loosely-defined, as these instructions do:


So your basket looks like a hose that got tangled in barbed wire? That's okay! There's no wrong way to create your basket! It might take four hands, eighteen clothespins, scissors, twine, chewing gum, and dynamite, but there is no possibility of error. And if you end up having to soak the basket reed every two minutes just to be able to MOVE it, don't worry! No problem! There is no wrong way to bathe your basket!


Thanks to directions that do not take "baskets" seriously as a concept, weaving one is actually pretty easy. That's obviously why people compare easy things to basket weaving, rather than basket dying. Basket dying can cause personal injury. For example, the dye. They make you use your own blood. No, seriously. They do. I have proof:


If that basket isn't sitting in a bucket of blood, then what IS that stuff? But that isn't even the worst of it, no, dying your basket IN YOUR OWN BLOOD is not the worst of it. To compound the humiliation of the investment you have put into this basket, they give you faulty plastic gloves. They know the temptation to swirl your hand around in blood is just too much; how often are you given that opportunity? Assuming you're not a wanted criminal, probably not often at all. So they know you're going to end up doing this:


And when you step back to look at your beautiful pink basket that was supposed to be red but that's okay, you realize that not only has this basket cost you hours of your time, thousands of mangled clothespins, gallons of water, that last stick of dynamite that you were saving for something much cooler, and blood, sweat, and tears (blood more literally than sweat and tears, of course), BUT it has ALSO dyed your middle finger red. Most middle fingers say other things but this one says SACRIFICE.


We never made fun of basket weaving again.

4 comments:

Ivan said...

I really could have used that stick of dynamite last week...

sidenote: were you just invited to the secret society of tack cloths?

Simon said...

LOL Yes. Yes, I was. Katie P. told me she was up to something, but I did not expect that.

I am surprised I was invited, actually, as I still have no idea what they are. I am hoping that with membership will come enlightenment.

Katie P. said...

Please invite the other Simon and Ivan fans who are inquisitive about tack cloths. I'm hoping that it can be an informative, life-affirming group that will form an all-important safety net if (when?) the world of tack cloths becomes less appealing to the populate.

Katie P. said...

Simon! This is a stern note. When you are a hedgehog, part of the hedgehog agreement is to inform other hedgehogs of your movements. That means that when you shift holes (nests? burrows?) you should inform hedgehogs of your whereabouts. Preferably with pictures, diagrams, and literary prose. (Or poetry. Word on the street is that hedgehogs aren't picky.)