To the Sullen Teenaged Boy in the Passenger's Seat of the Pink Mary Kay Cadillac Parked at the Post Office

I'm very sorry I pointed and laughed at your mom's car. I didn't realize you were in it at the time or I definitely would have spared you that moment of humiliation. I would advise that next time you are forced to ride in that mockery of an automobile, you duck down and keep your head below the dashboard. Even with your shaggy emo haircut covering half your face, people can still recognize you. Other alternatives include riding on the floor of the back seat, riding in the trunk, or just flat-out refusing to get into Barbie's Pink Cadillac in the first place. If you can graduate early and move out of town to start fresh, I would recommend that as well.

Anyway, please don't kill yourself or anyone else. There's always the hope that your mom's streak of sales successes will peter out and Mary Kay will take the car back. There's also sabotage, or if all else fails, sue. She may be your mother, but did you ask to be born? Moreover, did you ask to be born to someone obsessed with makeup? No you certainly did not. And I think a judge would agree with you. Maybe a normal family would adopt you. If not, you could at least use your settlement money to move to New York and start a band, which is what you were really meant to do. High school, smalls towns, Mary Kay cars, these things are not for you. Forget that stupid car; take your sullenness and your shaggy haircut and go conquer the world.

Regards,
Simon