KILLER TREE

After meeting a live python in Marcella's living room, I didn't think I would be so sufficiently creeped out for quite awhile. Not much can rival a snake amidst your DVDs and comfy couches. And operating under this assumption I traveled to Sequoia/Kings Canyon National Park last weekend. A lovely place. Sequoia is full of non-threatening things like Very Large Trees and bears that mosey. I thought the most threatening thing about Sequoia was the campfire we started using some flame retardant cardboard that glowed green and smoked in a violent way... honestly, doesn't hold a candle to the python. But that was just day one...

Day two of the trip was spent in Kings Canyon-- an amazing place. Gorgeous views, scenic byways, killer trees, giant cave spiders, Sequoia cemeteries. Typical national park experience.

The day was beautiful and we decided to find a lunch spot... and for some reason picked a sad tree graveyard. I thought all the damage had been done by loggers, but then we passed this tree. Apparently the logging industry had NOTHING to do with the death of those giants-- it was all this guy. Asshole.

We left Killer Tree Grove before the Ents came to life and decided to see one of the lovely area caves. I read about the cave as we drove "wow, they've discovered new species of troglobites and pseudoscorpians in here!" To me this means nothing. The last movie I saw where someone explored a cave ended up in Fraggle Rock and I saw no reason this should end differently.

The cave tour was an hour long and looked boring, so the helpful cave ticket seller stuck out her tongue ring and suggested we take our headlamps across the street to the unofficial cavern. In retrospect, I see this as equal to the time the man running the ski lift told us if we didn't want to pay, we were welcome to walk up the mountain underneath the lift for free. Two hours later knee deep in loose shale, you start to realize you've been had. We shimmied into the cave and popped out into a shallow cavern. Cool! I'm spelunking! And then I swung my light around to look at my cave companion and realized we were not alone! Aside from the human, I was joined by a hoard of EXTREMELY large cave spiders. My Co-Spelunker will tell you they were not that intimidating, but honestly, HOLY FREAKING SHIT, CAVE SPIDERS. Yes. They looked like that. And I live in constant terror that not unlike the movie arachnophobia, I brought one home and it's currently nesting inside the cat. So I saw the giant cave spiders and I booked it out of that cave. In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that my co-spelunker had a broken leg and I left the poor man in there without even thinking. I am a horrible, horrible person that had absolutely no desire to die at the eight evil legs of one of those bastards. In defense of my co-spelunker: after dragging himself from the cave, he still gave me a ride home.

Thank goodness for the good souls.