Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Concerning Bacon

Ivan and Simon P. (please don't confuse Simon P. with me, Regular Simon; we disgree on the subject I am about to discuss) really like bacon. I like bacon, too, but the difference between us is that I prefer bacon to be used in acceptable ways. You may eat bacon with your eggs, your pancakes, your hash browns, even your sausages, if you have considerable faith in your cholesterol levels. You may eat bacon in salads. You may eat bacon in sandwiches. There are many ways to consume bacon that are fully appropriate.

And then there are methods by which the consumption of bacon is rendered inappropriate. You wouldn't think of these on your own without some kind of diabolical intervention, so I will provide you with a list.

Inappropriate Uses of Bacon:
Bacon cookies
Bacon ice cream
French-toast-and-bacon cupcakes
Bacon soap
Bacon Explosion
Bacon Eggs
Candied maple bacon creme brulee
Chocolate-covered bacon
Squeeze bacon (apparently this exists in Norway?)
Bacon salad dressing (warm)
Gummy bacon
Bacone (that would be bacon, made into the shape of a cone, filled with a heart attack)

Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting:
crochet bacon wrap

When Simon P. visited recently, she brought with her one thing in the Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting category, and one in the Inappropriate Use of Bacon category, and one in the Scandalously Inappropriate Use of Bacon category.

Item one: Inappropriate But Not Wholly Revolting

Bacon Strips Adhesive Bandages. Here you can see the bandage, the box, and the free toy (a pig, naturally). Happily, Ivan and I were wounded and were able to immediately put these to use, hence Ivan's mother thinking her ankle looked like raw meat. Pictured here: the ankle.

Item two: Inappropriate Use of Bacon

Bacon Floss. This purportedly "Leaves mouth bacon fresh" but as there is no such thing as "bacon fresh" I highly doubt freshness of any kind will result. I personally did not try it out, but I am told that it does not taste like bacon. However, I can verify that it has a smell that is strongly reminiscent of smoked bacon, which I think we can all agree is not appropriate for dental implements.

Item three: Scandalously Inappropriate Use of Bacon

This is bacon caramel. It is caramel, but with bacon in it. I would call this ruined caramel, but as a matter of fact the caramel essentially smothers the bacon flavor. You might think this would render it harmless. It does not. The bacon is still a foreign object in a dessert in which it does not belong. It is highly inappropriate for bacon to be used in this manner, but Ivan and Simon P. were evidently unaware that they were eating desecrated candy and seemed quite happy.

I knew it was a bad idea to get them together! Nothing good can come of it. For me and pigs, anyway.


Michael E said...

Is chicken-fried bacon an acceptable concoction?

Simon said...

Michael E, your thought-provoking question has led me to the realization that almost everything I have deemed an inappropriate use of bacon involves adding bacon to foods that clearly neither require nor benefit from its inclusion.

You propose, instead, adding something to bacon itself. Interesting.

Since chicken-frying is a fairly standard way of preparing meat, I feel justified in ruling that chicken-fried bacon is at the very least not INappropriate. Whether or not it is fully appropriate would obviously depend on whether or not it tastes good, a fact which I have not verified at this time.

Thank you for your illuminating contribution to the bacon debate.

Matthew said...

I have to admit, the Bacone sounds delicious. I can't bring myself to make it and try it though because I like my life and might be more than slightly embarrassed to have that written in my obit.

Simon, your response to Michael made me laugh bunches.

Simon said...

Matthew! I did not bring you into this to have you take the OTHER SIDE! No no no! The "bacone" is bad, evil, and completely inappropriate! Repeat that to yourself! Have I used enough exclamation points! No! Not yet! There! Now I am done.