Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Bacon Strikes Again

One of our loyal readers has brought something to my attention which I feel duty-bound to relate to You, the Internet, although of course I will have to apologize afterward. It is called Bacon Salt. Motto: Everything should taste like bacon.

I know some people who would agree with that. I'm obviously not one of them, and I can tell you, their website is a shrine to Inappropriate Uses of Bacon. Or, since bacon salt is not actually bacon, perhaps I should categorize this as an Inappropriate Imposition of Bacon Flavor on Things That Aren't Bacon. Such as beef. I'm pretty sure the website shows a great big seared steak, which we are led to believe is not good enough as it is. The bacon people want the steak to be bacon. Why they did not buy and cook bacon, if that's what they wanted, is a good question.

For which they have an answer, irritatingly enough. Because what is bacon salt? Direct quote: "Bacon salt is a zero calorie, zero fat, vegetarian, and kosher seasoning that makes everything taste like bacon." Somehow I have the feeling I am the only person in the world who has a problem with this. Sean R. says "I'll put this on everything." Really, Sean? You want to turn your Froot Loops into Bacon Loops? Go wild. Hog wild, even. But I am not inviting you over. Chuck H. asks, "Why would you have fries when you could have bacon fries?" I'll tell you why, Chuck. Because others of us enjoy alternate flavors, such as potato and frying grease. These are good, quality flavors. Don't go putting your bacon in where it doesn't belong.

For example. If they are to be believed, which I fervently hope they are NOT, this pair of bacon fanatics will also sell you a product called Mmmvelopes. Imagine what that is. That's right. It's WRONG. They offer a variety of other products that are also wrong, encouraging countless Inappropriate Uses of Bacon, on their website. I do not of course encourage you to go there, but if you must, you must.

I'd go on about this but my sister has relayed to me very upsetting news about the mixture of bacon fat and brussels sprouts, and I have to lie down.


Anonymous said...

Amazing. I learn more about bacon from this site than I ever knew.

Are you saving comments on some of the other products for another day? I hope so, because I want to know your thoughts on that titanically amazing product, Baconnaise.

A real time saver if you ask me.

I wonder when these will show up on our grocery store shelves. Can't be too soon for me.... :-)

Maybe I'll put in a word with the manager of the local store.

Simon said...

Baconnaise: definitely an Inappropriate Use of Bacon. Pretty much everything on the website is an Inappropriate Use of Bacon. I had to stop because I tackled them all because it was too painful.

Amy said...

I am very honored that my suggestion got such a quick post. I am sorry to have traumatized you! What concerns me most about the Bacon site (despite being an ardent bacon lover) is that this is a kosher product. If it's kosher, it's not porcine, so WHAT THE HECK IS IT? I don't really want to know the answer to that. Ew.

Simon said...

Not to worry, I oppose inappropriate uses of bacon mainly because it exasperates other people, which I find enjoyable -- although I do think a steak is a steak and it's rude to force it to imitate pork. Anyway, you raise a good point here, which I did not think of. What on earth is this stuff? Synthetic bacon flavor? Manufactured in a laboratory like that meat they grow in petri dishes? Totally gross.

P.S. Porcine is one of my favorite words!

Anonymous said...

I wonder if "porcine platipodes" would be a factual statement, redundant, or silly.

On the other hand, platipodlean porcines, had rather a musical ring to it, don't you think.

Whichever way you slice it, kosher bacon is a mind twisting concept..!