Monday, January 24, 2005

apology to a small, dead spider

i have my own bathroom. i pay more money every month to have my own bathroom. i live with the guilt of stealing this bathroom from my roommate jeff ( who really really wanted the bathroom) every day. i suffered enough to get this bathroom. this is the reason i do not check the shower for living things before i turn on the hot water. everyone in the house knows it's my bathroom! alas, the spider missed the memo. i stepped into the shower this morning and saw him struggling on the tile floor. i figured once i blocked the flow of water he would just climb out-- spiders are supposed to be resourceful like that. he was even showing signs of progress; every few seconds he would climb part way up the wall, leading me to believe he was not only alive, but enjoying the shower. it was like playing in the sprinkler. but then he stopped climbing. i thought he was just resting but he started to look a little stiff.

not wanting the spider to get too water-logged, i leaned down to give him a hand (knowing full well if he actually crawled up my arm i would have to reenact the psycho shower scene, letting out the most blood curdling scream you have ever heard and smashing things with a shampoo bottle). sadly, when i leaned down i realized i have a drainage problem in my shower. the little spider had actually drown in a quarter inch of water while i was washing my hair. call me heartless, but i was almost relieved. if he crawled up my arm i would have gone into cardiac arrest. oh well, i still felt bad when i washed him down the drain.

in closing: small, dead spider, i apologize for being unable to differientiate between a drowning victim and a happy bather. as a lifeguard it's my responsibility to save swimmers in distress. please, next time wave your arms and yell a little louder... or try hanging out in the boy's bathroom, they're used to sharing.


Anonymous said...

Hey, remember in Hitchhiker's when Arthur Dent kills that rabbit and makes its skin into a bag, and then the reincarnated soul of the rabbit constructs a giant statue of Arthur looking like a murderous tyrant to get revenge? This post reminded me of that.

Anonymous said...

LiorR: RIP spider
LiorR: lets call him Nathan
Shimmer: you gave him a name!
Shimmer: that makes it personal!
LiorR: booya
Shimmer: i am not related to it!
LiorR: i say u are, he was adopted
Shimmer: it is not allowed to have my last name just because it died in my shower
LiorR: dont shun family

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to the good old days when we all just stomped on bugs the second they intruded on our human territory. I do not understand sympathy for insects. Reminds me of the Rolling Stones song "Sympathy for the Devil." I must be from an un-P.C. generation or something. I just squash the suckers. (MGDub)