Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Wanted: Small-Town Lex Luthor. Must Refuse to Mow Lawn. Desire to Subdivide and Develop Property Required. Untrained Black Labrador a Plus.

I was promised juicy material when I signed up for this job with the local paper. I was told the meetings would be full of yelling and that I shouldn't give my phone number to local officials because they would use it if they didn't like my articles. I was made to believe I might find myself uttering the words, "Look, mister, this town ain't big enough for the both of us," and "You better make like a tree and leave, bigshot." But this showdown has not occurred. Nor have any showdowns occured within my hearing. Negatory on the showdowns. In fact, here are some words I wrote down at a recent planning board meeting, to give you an idea of what an adorable and harmless town we really are:

Big Bertha
clambake
Doc Whatsit
signage
verbage
cow

So harmless we are almost lethal. The closest I've gotten to scandal is the following statement: "Yeah. That's what we listen to in the Clerk's office. Cop-killing rap. That's what me and a bunch of 65-year-old ladies listen to. [Pause] They complain if I play country." So, not very close. Welcome to Lois & Clark: The Boring Edition.

6 comments:

.Maeve said...

mostly harmless.

Ivan said...

you make the town sound so fabulous... lake woebegone-esque. it makes me miss you terribly.

Simon said...

that is why you are coming home for thanksgiving, right? RIGHT? you better! i think we should get us some mulled wine and spend some quality time with richard taylor, like in the good old days.

Ivan said...

amen to that.

Anonymous said...

perhaps a townie version of Dean Cain will come and assist you? I wouldn't find it all that dull with someone like him around. ::purrs::

and because you actually home on your birthday (much unlike the last four years running) I refuse to send your presents via post. I demand retribution (or at least compensation) in human form at some point in the nearer future. respectfully requesting.

Simon said...

Gosh, I didn't even think of advertising for a Clark Kent. That would've been much more logical.

I was just thinking we should do something since I haven't seen you in WEEKS. I will call you. That's right. Me. Using the phone. Preparare yourself.