Tuesday, June 29, 2010

England vs. Germany: a Tragicomic Opera

Simon P. and I like to watch soccer but rarely do we get to watch it together. So when Simon P. found herself watching England get itself eliminated from the World Cup, she took notes to document her agony for me. Eleven pages of notes. Epic angst requires large handwriting.

I'm uploading the more salient points of this document because it cracks me up, and it sort of reads like a poetic representation of what is going through the head of everyone who ever roots for the English national team. So here you have it: England getting thrashed by Germany liveblogged the old-fashioned way, on paper, by Simon P. Only on Simon & Ivan do you get this kind of coverage, folks.

(I include these two mainly because I was amused that I had precisely the same thoughts. Unfortunately, Upson's goal and Gerrard's button nose were ultimately of no use.)

Time out for a moment. Just want to say, this one's my favorite:

Gerrard? Please? Help us?

And the entire last page in all its horror-filled glory:

The lines on the paper make me think of music, so when I read these I hear them in my head as an opera, with a melody of "There was no one there. Where is the defense?" and a refrain of "Gerrard? Gerrard?" and all the while the bass line just goes, "Boooooooo." I think it could be good. But I would never perform it in England. People would kill themselves in the aisles.


Pandora said...

Simon P., I really think they could have used you at half time for the pep talk.

Anonymous said...

Sigh - Simon P.'s musings are so appropriate. It became a sad game to watch. But - if it makes any fan of England feel better, it was not the only sad game... Brazil over Chile (3-1) was sad for Chilean fans (and, how could someone from the US not love a player with the name "Kaka" (first name? last name? only name?)
Argentina over Mexico was kind of the same way. I know these other teams have to be pretty decent to get to the world cup in the first place, but once there, perhaps their nerves go all wonky, and they regress.
Anyway - if Germany and Brazil meet in the final, it could be an awesome game (it might be 0-1, or it might be 6-5, hard to predict)

Maeve said...

England played so halfheartedly in the group stage that I felt no remorse in rooting wholeheartedly for Germany. Therefore, I was quite pleased with this game.

Simon said...

I always end up rooting for Germany after England loses (since England always loses first). Spain is third on the list. I will also root for anyone playing against Portugal. It's a very complicated system.

Anonymous said...

Simon, you can rest easy... no need for complex rooting algorithms or agonizing decisions when two favorites are facing each other.

No, indeed. All you need is to consult Paul the Octopus. He (and don't ask me how anyone knows that!) picks match winners with regularity. Just follow his lead and you, too, can root for the winner:


Simon said...

I wish that octopus had filled out my bracket!