Monday, September 12, 2005


simon wanted to know why my away message for the weekend was "delicious". it's because all weekends are delicious. lunch time is delicious. that hour break i took at work to watch the oc was delicious. any moment of my day that doesn't involve working is delicious. even cleaning the apartment qualifies as delicious. on the other hand, the roommates who soil the apartment will never qualify as delicious. they are decidedly not delicious. they are not even tasty. not even lightly salted. they are smelly and dirty and boring and annoying, all rolled into one heinous version of a human being. i thought about how much i hated them while i cleaned for three delicious hours friday afternoon. i thought about them while i wiped the dead bugs off the counter and the pound of cat hair from behind the sink. i thought of them while i swiffered the floor because i knew that the drips of slim fast and the empty "i can't believe it's not butter LIGHT" containers were not mine. these boys consume more processed food and diet products than any girl i've ever met. other baffling behavior for 20+ year old men: they lock the door while they're in the house. not just lock, dead bolt. why, you ask? what are they afraid of? is our 87-year-old landlord actually an axe murderer? does the high number of luxury cars parked out front imply more than white collar criminal activities? are they worried someone will break in and steal the pleather couches WHILE THEY'RE SITTING ON THEM? god knows we have at least $20 worth of ikea furniture in the open. wouldn't want that to walk away. also, the short one keeps putting his ralph's brand imitation vanilla extract on my pantry shelves. this is unacceptable. i'm sorry you bought enough popcorn and diet bars to last you till the next millennium but i don't even like sharing the apartment with you, what makes you think i'm open to joint storage space? I'M NOT. oh well, i'm sure the protein shakes will come in handy, i think i heard the widow and the chubby spanish lesbian planning a siege on the laundry room. lock the doors. batten down the hatches. it's a rough neighborhood.

1 comment:

The Anonymous Hedgehog said...

hahaha. oh how i've missed your posts.